Tuesday, 28 July 2009

UK Numpty Cops : Plod Shoots Plod

The Thames Valley Police has pleaded guilty to breaching health and safety regulations after their senior Weapons Instructor accidentally shot one of the attendees during a ‘Firearms Awareness’ training course.

Weapons Instructor PC Vinnie Dicklethwaite, 92, shot Mohammed bin Mohammad, 21, in the stomach at the Smegmashire-based Police Training College in May, Scruntford Crown Court heard today.

Mr. Mohammad, an unemployed prayer mat weaver who was training to be a Police Community Support Officer – or Plastic Plod - was shot with a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum revolver and sustained what trauma doctors at Smegmadale Hospital’s A & E department euphemistically
referred to as ‘quite severe injuries’.

Following today’s hearing PC Titsy McGammer, a spokeswoman for Thames Valley Police, told a reporter from the Clumsy Cunts Gazette that the force had imposed drastic procedural and operational changes since the shooting – such as not supplying live ammunition – or firearms - to officers after they came back from the pub at lunchtimes.

PC Dicklethwaite, who has since the incident declared himself as suffering total amnesia due the trauma of the shooting, denies breaking safety rules as he only drank his customary six pints of Old Headbanger lager during his pub visit lunch break.

Thames Valley Police authority confirmed that PC Dicklethwaite was still working as a police officer, but was no longer allowed anywhere near anything considered remotely more dangerous than a truncheon and was further assigned to monitoring speeding offences around the training facility that might be committed by stray tortoises or earthworms.

PC Dicklethwaite remains accused of "negligently engaging in the pointing of weapons and the pulling of a trigger during role-play in the classroom" - "failing to examine or check the pistol’s chamber for live rounds of ammunition" - and finally discharging the weapon "while inadvertently pointing said weapon at Mr. Mohammed bin Mohammad".

Mr Mohammad was reportedly shot at point-blank range with a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum Revolver, while he was listening to a ‘Firearms Safety’ lecture from PC Dicklethwaite alongside twelve other Plastic Plod volunteer colleagues in May.

One trainee PCSO that was sat close to Mr. Mohammad, a certain Bazzer Fuctifino, told the media “This ponce Dicklethwaite comes back from der boozer full as a tick an’ gobbin’ off about ‘ow good ‘e is wiv guns and shit – an’ starts doing der John Wayne thingy – twirlin’ der pistol around ‘is fingers – then starts pointin’ it at der class an’ goin’ Blam! Blam! Blam! like der effin’ nutter ‘e is.”

“Next fing ‘e points der gun at Mohammed an’ sez “You look like that Brazilian electrician bloke wot fucked up me kitchen wirin'" – then pulls der trigger an’ old Mohammed’s all fucked up like a soup sandwich wiv an’ effin’ big ‘ole in ‘im like an effin’ bucket an’ effin’ blood everywhere. We all shit kittens an’ fucked off sharpish as we reckoned Dicklethwaite ‘ad probably gone postal an’ totally lost it – an’ we woz next on ‘is effin’ list.”

PC Dicklethwaite is on fully-paid unconditional bail until September when a ten minute hearing will decide whether to proceed with the case or dismiss him on full pension.

Deputy Chief Constable Frank Dorkford told Pox News: "Whatever the individual actions involved in the accidental shooting of PCSO Mohammad in May, Thames Valley Police has always accepted that the incident should never have happened.”

"Our guilty plea here today is an acceptance that additional control measures could have prevented the shooting – specifically disallowing firearms officers and weapons instructors to resume normal duties after they’ve spent a lunchtime swilling lager at the local boozer.”

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