Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Brown – Troop Deaths a Sign of Success – Que?

The UK forces mission in Afghanistan is showing "signs of success", Prime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown insists, despite the deaths of 15 soldiers in 10 days. Que – is that a sample of Gordon’s maths ratios?

God knows what our addle-brained unelected leader would have made of the British losses during the World War One 1916 Battle of the Somme – a series of brilliant tactical accomplishments perhaps.

Brown’s Labour government denies claims that UK troops lack manpower to hold any ground gained as part of the latest blitzkrieg in which they captured a large pile of rocks, two emaciated goats and a six-year old al Qaeda spy named Mohammed who was disguised as an apprentice shepherd.

UK troops have spent recent weeks on an offensive – secretly codenamed Operation Body Bags - which is designed to increase security ahead of the pre-rigged dodgy Afghan elections planned for next month.

“I think the operation in Helmand province is showing signs of success," Brown opined to a reporter from Flyshit News – drawing on his vast practical experience of matters military he gained from reading War Weekly comics as a child.

"If we were to halt our military operations and the Taliban seized power again then the gas pipeline might get either ‘axed or taxed’ and they’d burn all our opium poppies.”

Brown admitted it had been "a difficult few weeks" for the UK troops in Afghanistan, but insisted there was "a clear strategy" in place – keep a corrupt and compliant Western puppet – like President Humid Karzai – in power and the money-spinning war continuing to fill the voracious coffers of the West’s military-industrial cabals.

Opposition leaders have accused the government of failing to properly equip troops for their fight in Afghanistan, with some going as far as to claim that the TV’s Scrapheap Challenge teams could do a better job of mine-proofing troop-carrying vehicles than the Ministry of Defence.

Conversely Brown claims a thousand more vehicles have been shipped out since last year including new jungle camouflaged Volkswagen Polo hatchbacks and Ultralite spotter aircraft were added to the armoury – with all troopers now being equipped with their own hi-viz sniper-friendly Pound Stretcher flack jackets.

Former commander of British troops in Bosnia, Colonel Bob Snot, told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that more troops were needed.
"It's all very well going out on these stupid ‘advance’ operations then actually just withdraw because the government won’t pay the lads overtime to maintain their gains. I mean, fancy having a war when there’s a recession going on."

UK armed forces minister Bill McDork told Pox News troop numbers had been increased from 5,500 to 9,000 and that the international force had been bolstered by an extra 20,000 US personnel – all of whom normally stayed in their cosy Shock & Awe barracks eating pizza and swigging Budweiser lest they got shot at indiscriminately as they were only brought in to protect the UNOCAL Trans-Afghan LNG pipeline and baby sit the opium crops.

Insisting that US and allied troops have pushed back the Taliban – into Pakistan, US President Barky O’Barmy informed a reporter from the Gullibility Gazette the immediate target was to steer Afghanistan through Presidential elections in August, which will be stage-managed by the casts of the Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock - using dodgy Diebold ballot-tampering friendly machines to tote up the votes – with Statler and Waldorf representing the UN as adjudicators.

O’Barmy further stated for the benefit of anyone still listening to his blather : “We've got a core mission that still has to be accomplished - keep the UNOCAL pipeline secure and the poppies growing – no shit – it’s more than my job’s worth to fuck that up.”

A new US commander, Gen Stanley McShyster, has been tasked with the mission of outsmarting the Taliban, who surprisingly enough continue to win support among ordinary Afghans often caught in the crossfire of the bitter fighting or become the innocent targets of US Predator drones.

Nice one Stanley – another fine mess you’ve got us into : outsmarting the Taliban in their own country – with them fighting against YOU - the infidel invaders – that makes all-round good sense.

For fuck’s sake, does no-one comprehend the Islamic culture and mindset involved here? It is a battle that will never be won against the likes of Taliban Dan and his fundamentalist diehards.
Forget the US-invented al Qaeda myth - the Taliban is a veritable Hydra – kill one and two take his place

The Afghans have been fighting and burying foreign armies from the time of Alexander the Great - to Ghengis Khan to the British Raj - to the Russian invasion – and now we have the Coalition of the Willing : the US, the UK, NATO etc et al.

What is that iconic phrase, popularised in 1897, by Rudayrd Kipling; it formed the refrain of his poem Recessional – ‘Lest We Forget’ - and adorns the plinths of war memorials the world over. Such a pity we did – Forget - yet again.

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