Armed Assault Classes : Teacher 3 : Pupils 0

A Smegmashire crafts teacher has been arrested after a 14-year old pupil at a local Catholic school suffered serious head injuries during an arts and crafts class and is being held on suspicion of attempted murder, police spokesman PC Bazzer Fuctifino told reporters from the gutter press – for a small consideration.

The 95-year old teacher Wilf Scrunt, a reformed rhubarb addict, known jokingly as the ‘Nutty Professor’, is also being questioned about the alleged assaults on two other Year 8 pupils during the same incident at the St. Sodoms School for Latter Day Psychopaths in Dorksford on Wednesday afternoon.

Officers were called to the school on Pummeler’s Lane after paramedics arrived to find the 14-year-old pupil lying in a pool of blood at the entrance to a classroom in the arts and crafts block - with several large dents in his skull – and suspected foul play might well be involved.

A school janitor, who spoke to reporters for a small fee of £20, and on conditions of anonymity (Harry Snitch), claimed that a deadly weapon had been used in the bludgeoning assault.

Smegmashire’s armed response school violence Plod Squad confirmed for journalists - for a further £20 – each - that a weapon was used in the attack and the 14-year-old allegedly hit by a heavy weight with a handle attached – which police forensic experts later described as being commonly known as a large hammer.

Early reports of the investigation claim the class was in the closing stages of completing their term-end craft projects which were reconstructions of medieval ‘blunt instrument’ weaponry as once used in hand to hand combat by armoured knights.

Pupils had been given carte blanche to choose a weapon of their choice, with the list including maces, coshes, cudgels, knobkerries, war hammers, quarterstaffs, peasant twatting bats, truncheons, knuckle-dusters, blackjacks, and that old Irish favourite - the shillelagh.

Interviewed by journalists, pupils from the class related – for £10 a-piece – that Mr. Scrunt – who they termed ‘a walking time bomb’ - had been strolling around the room inspecting the works in progress and checking on their finishing touches when he disturbed 14-year old mother of three Titsy McGammer snorting a couple of lines of coke off her desktop and swept the narcotic powder onto the floor with his hand.

Apparently Ms. McGammer screamed out loud “That woz top grade shit, yer psycho twat”, told Mr. Scrunt to ‘fuck off’ and called him a ‘bald old cunt’, then ripped her crafts class diary to pieces in a fit of pique.

Scrunt responded by snatching up her school bag and tipping the contents onto the floor – then stamping on her drugs paraphernalia and emptied a 200 gram bag of heroin into the trash can – prompting McGammer to flee the classroom screaming - and head for the principal’s office to complain.

At this point McGammer’s boyfriend and local chav gang leader Ronnie McGobb, started singing the Michael Jackson hit ‘Psycho in the Mirror’ and repeatedly poked Mr. Scunt in the back with a nail-encrusted quarterstaff to impress his stooges and other in-class bitchlets - calling out “Wot yer fink of dis one den, Guv’?”

Apparently Mr. Scrunt, a former tomcat strangler with little patience for yobs and scallies, took umbrage at the implied ‘Psycho’ theme of McGobb’s song and picked up the nearest object, which happened to be Feral Beryl Mingerot’s work in progress- a Teutonic war hammer, and shouted “People are gonna die!” then lambasted Ronnie several times around the head with the weapon - in lieu of issuing him with a detention notice for cheek and the unsolicited assault on his person.

A tearful and visibly pregnant Feral Beryl told reporters – for an extra £5 – “Old Scrunty went effin’ bonkers cos Ronnie woz singin’ Jacko’s ‘Psycho in der Mirror’ song and jabbin’ ‘im in der effin’ back wiv ‘is quarterstaff thingy.”

“Next ‘e picks up me ‘ammer off me desk an’ twats Ronnie round der effin’ ‘ead wiv it – then two of Ronnie’s mates go fer Scrunty wiv cudgels so ‘e twats them as well. Right effin’ carve up – best arts an’ crafts class we’ve ‘ad this term.”

A blood-splattered Ronnie McGobb was taken of the local MRSA Samaritans Hospital in the town for treatment but as his condition deteriorated he was transferred to a specialist unit at the neighbouring Sneezy Pig Flu Mortuary.

Local Community Support officer Fellatia van der Gobble opined to reporters – for a wad of Greedy Grocer discount vouchers - “Ronnie McGobb’s a right little twat an’ it doesn’t surprise me one fuckin’ bit that he’s got his at last.”
“It was only a week ago I was tellin’ me gay sidekick Rupert that some sod was gonna give him one round the head with something nasty – like Teutonic war hammer - before too long.”

St. Sodoms School for Latter Day Psychopaths, rated as the best academic centre in the area since pupils burned all the others down - lies in the centre of the Dorksford recession-hit sink-or swim estate, where if anyone pays their rent or council tax for two consecutive months the police send detectives around to see where they got the money from.

St. Sodom’s School, categorised as a ‘performing arts’ academy since 2005, was given a satisfactory grading following its last Ofsted evaluation.
Inspectors rated pupils behaviour as "excellent" after intimidating threats were made to torch their cars, although attendance was given only a satisfactory rating as the pupils rarely returned from the pub after their lunch breaks.

Last summer however, 45 per cent of pupils achieved first class GCSE results (grade A*-C) in a wide variety of subjects, including Intermediate Credit Card Fraud, Knife Throwing, Freestyle Clog-Fighting, Garrotting, and Advanced Shoplifting.