Friday, 17 July 2009

Dodgy Russians Pulling Out of UK

Russian zillionaire Oleg Mobsaroubles today informed the Oligarchs Gazette he is considering breaking off all connections with Britain owing to its recession-hit economy and the fact most of his kowtowing ‘brown envelope’ MP’s were about to get axed from re-running at the next election due their dodgy expense claims.

The possible move also follows the collapse of the Birmingham-based white van manufacturing company - STD Crap - that Mr Mobsaroubles once owned as a money-laundering tax excuse.

Regardless of giving Britain the boot, Mobsaroubles - one of Russia's richest men, still owns a big garden shed bought for an estimated £25 million on one of London's most exclusive landfill sites - the Mayfair Tip.

Last summer the then EU trade commissioner Lord Peter Scandalson and Tory shadow chancellor George Sleazeborne were involved in a massive shit-flinging controversy after a party on his yacht.

Mobsaroubles is particularly annoyed with the UK’s gutter press due their reporting of the party last summer when his 72-metre yacht, the Jolly Rodgering, was moored off Corfu.

"We had a good dinner – baby grey whale and chips with lots of bubbly Bollinger - and there were many people – lots of celebrity high-class whores that can suck the chrome off a caravan towing hitch – and it is all lots of fun.”

“Next thing this little Tory shit George Sleazeborne starts sponging off me for a donation of a few million quid for the Conservative party – promising me I’ll become Sir Oleg once they get into power next year – saying he can introduce me to some guy called Big Dave - so I tells him ‘Maybe’ – with a big ‘perhaps’ on the ‘maybe’.”

“Next thing Sleazebourne and Scandalson are poking at each other across the table with pickle forks – with one calling the other a poof and a faggot and the other saying he’s a silver spoon Tory scumbag – until my good buddy Natty Rothshite gives them both a slap round the head with a sock full of cold caviar. So all was well that ends not so well, okay.”

But ‘all’s well’ wasn’t the case for as soon as they were back in London ninety-nine kinds of shit broke loose in the media with the gutter press labelling the affair Yachtgate – and super-snitch Sleazebourne accusing Scandalson – then EU Trade Secretary who oversaw all EU metal tariffs – of removing punitive import duties on aluminium products that vastly benefitted Mr Mobsaroubles’ company ‘Russ-Crap Ally’.

Scandalson has since vehemently denied doing Mobsaroubles any financial favours although did candidly comment to one reporter “I wouldn’t mind doing Oleg a favour in another department really as he’s so cute and cuddly.”

It is now speculated that this publicised ‘conflict of interest’ and dodgy dealing – whether valid or not – is the reason the Labour government refused to shore up Mobsaroubles ailing STD Crap white van manufacturing company in Birmingham – preferring to keep a political safe distance and let the natural laws of insolvency take their course.

Mr Mobsaroubles told reporter Candida Frigarotti from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “I am not now going to buy any of your English Premier League football clubs. I am so very disappointment with Britain – it is a bigger dump than Russia.”

But for now, Oleg Ivanovich Mobsaroubles has wider problems to consider than Britain.
According to Greed magazine, his burgeoning fortune has shrunk over the last year from £58 zillion to a mere £35 zillion due major negative fluctuations and crashes in the confetti and dolly mixture manufacturing industries.

Yet Mobsaroubles says he doesn't know how much money he has as his core holding company ‘Kriminals’ diversifies into more and more sectors - including potted plants, arms deals, electric cars, theme park construction, aviation, narcotics, financial services, political assassinations, whole wheat bakeries and the international property market.

However the latter venture suffered a recent knockback when his property development wing’s offer to buy Sesame Street was vehemently opposed by radical militant children’s groups acting in coordination with the Wildlife Protection Agency as being the home and nesting grounds of the endangered mustard-yellow Big Bird species, thus resulting in the entire neighbourhood being reclassified as a Grade 1 Heritage conservation site and thus preserved in perpetuity from development.

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