Sunday, 14 June 2009

MI5 Recruits Teachers as Snitches

Military Intelligence Five (an obvious contradiction in itself), the UK’s domestic security agency, has commenced a recruitment drive in its expanding war against nasty fanatical Islamic terrorists, by stating that the preferred applicants are school teachers due their inherent people-handling skills make them ideal candidates for the role of sneaky spies.

An advert placed in the Spooks n Stoolies Gazette trade paper urges school staff to apply because they can "build trust and relationships with all sorts of individuals".

The post - for an operational intelligence officer - carries a salary of £35,425 plus benefits (free body bag and burial) broadly similar to that of an experienced secondary school teacher.

Teachers who successfully pass the recruitment process will find themselves taken out of the classroom and into the heart of intelligence gathering and propaganda conjuring – with training in goat bonking and how to live off a handful of sand a week.

According to the job description, they will be responsible for building contacts with people who can provide information of relevance to national security – such as Mossad double agents who might provide details on where Israel’s rogue intelligence service is going to pull its next false flag terror attack and which Tube trains they intend blowing up.

The advert in the Spooks n Stoolies Gazette, states: "Your experience of dealing with people means you can build trust and relationships with all sorts of dodgy creeps, which makes you the ideal candidate for developing a career based entirely on deception, treachery and betrayal."

“Your acquired and trained ability to spot a cunt from a mile off, spy the nigger in the woodpile, tell the difference between shit and shinola, and pick out potential Muslim crazies in a crowd of chavs, yobs and hoodies will be your key to operational success.”

According to MI5's website, the agency aims to frustrate terrorism, prevent foreign espionage and pre-empt the use of weapons of mass distraction.

Home Office spokeswoman Mata Hairy told the terrorism correspondent for the Jolly Jihad Weekly : "There are a wide range of career opportunities available with MI5 for para-military teacher types who wish to become glorified informers in our Grassers Unit, and don’t mind being suspected of perfidy by every fucker and their dog – and will probably end up being found snuffed in a wheelie bin with their fingernails pulled out.”

Current head of MI5, Sir Waldorf Fuctifino - a one-time Cold War spy who was personally parachuted into Soviet-era Bulgaria disguised as a doormat, spent months stabbing CSS agents with a ricin-tipped umbrella before being reassigned to the agency’s Cormorant Stranglers unit – and was himself a former teacher at St. Sodom’s College for Latter Day Pederasts before being recruited into the exalted ranks of the nation’s espionage agents.

So if you fancy a timely career change and the chance to spy on, and grass up, all kinds of greasy unwashed infidel heathen wogs, then fill in our online application form below without delay.

But just remember you can never tell anyone – even your Mum or faggy boyfriend - about your new career as an MI5 stoolie – and if you spill the beans by accident then you’ll have to kill them straight after.

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