Monday, 22 June 2009

Speaker Election turns into Political Shitfight

The race to become the most powerful House of Conmans Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret ‘Hanging Baskets’ Beckett as their anti-reform candidate.

Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she’s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker.

The ten candidates for the position of Speaker have been delivering their final pitches to MPs in the Conmans amid an atmosphere of acrimony and confusion, with Labour whips accused of an establishment 'stitch-up' to install their own slack-jawed broomstick pilot – Bonkers Beckett - while backbenchers warned of poll 'skulduggery'.

The scandal-ridden Beckett, dumped from government two weeks ago, is pulling all stops and favours – including sexual if anybody is hard-up enough to be tempted - to get herself the job and it is this rancorous backdrop against which MPs will elect a successor to fellow scandal-ridden MP ‘Gorbals Mick’ Martin today.

Senior Labour figures, with PM Gordon ‘Incapabilty’ Brown in the thick of them, have been accused of colluding with Conservatives and other lickspittle political stooges to ensure that the incompetent money-grabbing Beckett is elected today.

Political focus groups claim with authority that Labour is being damaged disproportionately by the row over MPs’ expenses because people believe that Parliament is controlled by Labour – with a common opinion being that appointing a Tory Speaker might be the best way to challenge this perception.

However, over the weekend Ladbrokes Bookies reported that, after a late flurry of betting, Tory MP favourite Bertwhistle Fuctifino had slipped to third place behind Bonkers Beckett and Lib-Dem MP ‘Ming the Merciless’ Campbell, chairman of the Corrupt Privileges Committee.

Ten candidates have stated they want the Speaker’s pension – er job - but only four — Ann Porkcombe, Sir Alan Plonker, Whitby St. Custard and Sir Quentin Scrunt have named their 12 sponsors publicly.

Pandit Dhobiwaller, Michael de Twatte, Carlston Dockleaf, Sir Mingin Campbell, Sir Patrick MacFuckwit, Margaret Bonkers Beckett and Bertie Fuctifino have all declined to do so.

The Daily Shitraker has learnt that the Labour whips, who enforce the Government’s will in Parliament, are also trying to limit reforms that would give MPs more power over Government and meddling with the composition of the parliamentary reform committee.

Opponents fear that they are trying to water down its power and ensuring Beckett’s election as Speaker would contribute greatly and directly in achieving this crooked objective.

So with the balloting and Machiavellian machinations likely to continue well into the late hours of the night, and Bonkers Beckett the favourite by a short head, perhaps more than a single candidate might muse in their minds the 12th Century words of Plantagenet King Henry the Second when referring to another Beckett : “Who will rid me of this troublesome bitch?”

When a winner is declared their supporters drag them to the Speaker’s chair in a display of mock reluctance - a throwback to a time when being Speaker carried the risk of death at the hands of a Monarch who was displeased with the will of the House of Conmans.

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