Monday, 15 June 2009

London Bus Tour Bores Passenger to Death

A Polish tourist who purchased a ‘Live Tours London’ bus ticket was driven around the city thirty-four times after staff failed to spot he had died en route, an inquest heard in evidence.

Pawel Snuffsky, 85, died during his trip on the tour bus, but stayed in the garage overnight and was still in his seat when the bus went out the following day.

Early morning tourists boarded the double decker bus, unaware Mr Snuffsky was in fact deceased.
He was on the bus for at least six hours the following day before another passenger raised the alarm, the city’s Smegmadale Hamlets Coroner's Court heard.

A certain Kostas Fuctifino, an Albanian pikey visiting friends and relatives in Belmarsh Immigration Prison, sat next to Mr. Snuffsky and tried to strike up a conversation while attempting to pick his pockets - but when he received no reply thought his co-passenger was asleep.

However when the bus braked sharply to avoid running over Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense on his mountain bike, Mr. Snuffsky slumped forwards.
When Mr Fuctifino tried to sit him upright again he noticed he was stone cold, with rigour mortis setting in, and realised he might possibly be suffering from a common human condition referred to by doctors as ‘death’.

Disciplinary action is now being taken against the shit-for-brains staff of the Live Tours London Bus Company.

The driver of the concerned Live Tours London bus, Arthur Knobhead, had noticed Mr Snuffsky on the top deck but 'forgot' about him when he could not wake him up, the inquest was told.
Apparently Snuffsky got on the tour bus at 2:00 pm the previous afternoon, with the buses's CCTV footage showing him slumping forward in his seat an hour later.

However none of the other passengers spotted he had croaked and he was found by the driver at 1.30am the following morning who thought he had crashed out after a skinful of Headbanger or Old Wifebeater lager, as he had a bag of empty cans beside him, so he then said ‘fuck it’ and went home for the night.

Morton Scrunt, accident prevention manager for the Live Tours London Bus Company, told the inquest hearing the driver thought Mr Snuffsky was asleep and tried to rouse him at the company’s Mortuary Cross bus garage but gave up after noticing the empty lager cans and surmising Snuffsky was pissed out of his head.

Coroner Dr Harry Shipman declared a post mortem had determined the cause of death was an overdose cocktail of drink, drugs and fast food Chew and Spew salmonella burgers.

Apparently Snuffsky was a registered rhubarb addict in his home town of Blitzed, near Cracow, and it is thought he had bought a sub-standard grade or adulterated fix of the narcotic green rhubarb powder from a dodgy dealer in London, then suffered heart failure after snorting a couple of tracks while on the tour bus.

Live Tours London Bus Company spokeswoman Fellatia van der Gobble spit the proverbial dummy at a press conference following the inquest - bollocking journalists for reporting in the tabloid gutter press that Mr Snuffsky had died of boredom during his third circuit of the city tour.

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