Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Plods Arrest Blind Man for Speeding

An elderly blind man, who has never held a driving licence, told the motoring correspondent from Gardener’s World how he was wrongly arrested and taken to court for committing a series of driving offences.

Cyril McScrunt, from Smegmadale-on-Sea, who works part-time as a tomcat peeler, lost his sight aged seven after being hit on the head with a frozen hallibut by his mother when she caught him masturbating over a copy of her Woman’s Own magazine– thus proving that not only does wanking make you deaf it can also contribute to blindness.

Hence the 95-year-old was stunned when a combination strike force of local plastic plods comprised of heavily-armed Police Community Support Officers (formerly unemployed lager louts) and Civil Enforcement Officers (formerly traffic wardens) turned up at the Institute for the Blind with a warrant for his arrest over a list of driving and parking offences.

Despite explaining his sight disability to a certain PCSO Desmond Numpty, Cyril was told he would have to appear before Smegmadale Magistrates’ Court to prove his innocence.

Cyril informed Gardener’s World : “The plastic plods caught me on my blind side - I thought it was an April Fools joke at first.”
“I really thought someone was having a laugh at my expense. A friend phoned me at work to say police were looking for me and had a warrant for my arrest to do with driving offences.”

“I explained to PC Numpty that I was blind and didn’t even have a driving licence, at which point he cautioned me and issued a further ticket for driving without a valid licence.”
“He then asked to see my insurance, tax and MOT, and when I further explained I didn’t have any – or own a vehicle – he mentioned further charges of car-napping and joy riding.”

“It was at this point I called him a “fucking idiot” and that’s when I got tasered and pummelled with batons, then handcuffed and tossed into the back of a police van - and ended up in a cell over the weekend.”

“Obviously the dumb fuckers didn’t believe I was blind as they kept bringing me newspapers to read and asked if I wanted to watch the football on the telly.”

Cyril appeared before magistrates on the following Monday morning and caused an outburst of hysterical laughter in the public gallery when the clerk of the court told him to face the magistrates and Cyril replied “Okay, where the fuck are they?”

It was around this time the prosecuting police officer realised something was drastically wrong with their case and the entire issue might well be one of identity theft since Cyril’s wallet had been stolen in a mugging some weeks previously.

Police have since made several arrests in connection with Cyril’s stolen I/D and he will be asked to attend a line up and pick out the suspected muggers.

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