Sunday, 7 June 2009

Wales Hit by Earthquake : Thousands Shit Pants

An earthquake, the largest measured in south Wales for 14 million years, has been confirmed by seismologists at the Llandudno Institute of Volcanology.

The quake was felt at 15:42 BST on Saturday afternoon with the epicentre near Twatyffyllon, 6.2 miles north east of Port Scrunt.

The Welsh Geological Survey confirmed it had a magnitude of two-point-eight, which is almost equivalent to a bailiff banging on your front door or the coalman delivering a sack of nutty slack.

Port Scrunt police said there were no reports of major damage to property or human fatalities but residents claimed furniture, doors, windows - and nerves - had been shaken and a man known only as ‘Jones’ fell off his bike in the High Street.

The quake was the largest in the region since 14,000,000 BC, when there was an earthquake measuring 2.8 on the Woolyback scale near Merthyr Tydfil that, according to cave drawings, disturbed a herd of grazing mammoths.

Police said residents in the Bellend area reported feeling tremors but put it down to the people next door moving furniture around.

18-year-old mother of three Chantelle Muffitch of Nollocks, near Bellend, told Pox News: "I was sitting on the sofa in a deep hypnotic trance - watching a replay of Desperate Slags on the telly and masturbating with me rampant rabbit - and all of a sudden the floor shook, the windows, everything. I’ve never had the Earth move for me before – it was a real religious experience.”

Residents of Fuckwit Lane felt a sudden pre-tremor jolt and though it was one of the regular radioactive waste trucks from the nearby Duncefield Toxic Recycling depot bouncing over the speed bumps as usual – until the ornaments started falling off the mantelpiece and Mrs. Morgan’s ginger moggie threw an epileptic fit.

Half a mile away, on the Skidrow-on-Sea Housing Estate, one family were shocked into involuntary bowel movements.

Mr. Owen McTwat, a senior greeter at the local Monsanto-run Smiley Face Chemotherapy Clinic, told reporters “Well, we were all sat watching the Disaster Channel’s afternoon movie - ‘Deep Impact’ - when there was this effin’ big bang and everything started shaking and I shit me bloody pants – so did the wife – and the dog too.”

“We thought the film had come true, you know – reality television being what it is these days.”

"I rang up me mother-in-law who lives down the road and she said she'd shit herself as well. Wouldn’t you think the local council would give you advance notice if they’re going to have an earthquake then folk don’t get scared half to death.”

Twatyffyllon pensioner Mrs. Blodwyn Skank told reporters “The room started shaking and me false teeth fell out, then the goldfish had a funny turn and started floating on his back.”
“I thought the opencast coal mine had started blasting again, then remembered that old cow Thatcher closed all the mines down years ago and put all our blokes out of work. That’s the fuckin’ Tories for you.”

Local conspiracy theorist Winston Pryce-Jones, an unemployed tomcat strangler, told the Daily Shitraker “It’s the effin’ Yanks testing their Tesla global HAARP arrays that caused the ‘quake – just like they did in China last year – and the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami in Asia - or was that where they set off two 50 megaton nukes on the seabed of the Sumatran Trench in a scrapheap submarine?”

“Anyways, it was definitely them and their HAARP – that’s why the power was skipping on and off – cos of the EMP wave.”
“They’re after blowing up the Duncefield Toxic Recycling depot so they can poison all the useless eaters and charge us more for our cap and trade carbon exchange. Bastards –it’s all Al Bore’s fault – him and his environmental saboteurs.”

Mrs. Chlamydia Gammer who lives close to the epicentre in Twatyffyllon told the seismology correspondent from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette “My pet cormorant Rupert had an anxiety attack about half an hour before the quake struck. He was wandering around in circles, pecking his own arse – he knew what was coming. He’s been off his food ever since, poor bird.”

Were you in Welsh Wales for a dirty weekend? Did you get close to the epicentre of the Twatyffyllon earthquake? Has the Earth ever moved for you personally?

Fill in one of our questionnaires below and we’ll toss it into the recycle bin with all the other worthless crap we receive.

No comments: