Trust Me – I’m a Pilot : Que?

Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast.
A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain’s Mallorca Palma Airport.

Passengers were asked to move seats to the rear of the faulty aircraft to re-distribute the weight so the plane sat level and not nose down, but seventy-odd terrified tourists left the potential flying coffin, fearing for their safety after a couple of bodgers from the airport’s Shit-Fit workshop failed to repair the damaged cargo hatch door with a crowbar and sledge hammer.

Thomas Cook Disaster Tours official spokeswoman Fellatia van der Gobble told the obituaries correspondent from the Undertakers Gazette that it was standard procedure for airlines to ensure cargo and passengers were evenly distributed, and there was no real safety risk – except if the rear cargo hatch door fell off during the flight home.

Passenger safety concerns were further aggravated by the fact the in-flight movie was ‘Final Destination 4’, which apparently did little to boost confidence in the aircraft’s capacity to fly to Newcastle - and arrive in one piece.

Those who refused to fly on Saturday were snubbed by the travel agents when requesting alternative – and safe – transport home and had to arrange a substitute means of travel for themselves – with some swimming to the mainland then catching shuttle buses - or walking - back to the UK.

Vinnie McScrunt, who booked his holiday through Scallies Tours, told reporters “The problem is like, stuck out there on a bunch of poxy Spic islands, yer ‘ave ter fly – or swim - ter get on or off ‘em, so Thomas Cook’s Deathtrap Airlines ‘ave yer by the effin’ Balearics, if yer get me drift like.”

Candida Muffitch, a 17-year old mother of three, told the media "The pilot came out to speak ter us an’ sez it was perfectly safe fer us all ter sit at the back of the plane ter balance the effin’ thing cos all the luggage woz stuck up the front.”

"Then me mate Chantelle asks ‘im if the cargo ‘old door could open when we woz in the air at 35,000 feet an’ ‘e calls ‘er a shit-stirrin’ cunt an’ ‘as ‘er chucked off the effin’ plane – so I sez ‘fuck this’ an’ fuck Suicide Tours - an' got off meself too."

Ms. Van der Gobble further informed reporters "We are disappointed that despite reassurances from the captain and crew, a number of passengers failed to have faith in Thomas Cook and decided not to travel."
"The fact the plane did crash in the Pyrenees during its flight back to the UK was due to bad weather and had absolutely nothing to do with the faulty cargo hatch door falling off."