Monday, 1 June 2009

Royal Ranga Hits Big Apple

Prince Henry Horace Hesketh Hewitt Woodruff Windsor – the Royal Cuckoo and Chief Imperial Ranga, arrived in New York after Charlie, his bat-eared father, got fed up with him hanging around Clarence House playing video games, kicking the corgis and calling Dragonilla (the new Mrs. Windsor) a second-hand slapper – and stuck him on a plane with the words “Go and annoy the fucking Yanks for a while, you little ginger-minger tosspot.”

During his stop-for-breath two-day visit Prince Harry had lunch with a group of homeless bag ladies at a Harlem soup kitchen, met and shook hands with taxi drivers, five dollar crackhead hookers, subway pickpockets and a group of career criminals from City Hall - including incumbent Mayor Carlos Corruptioni.

Harry, dressed to perfection in his customary Nazi SS stormtrooper military regalia, took part in a carefully choreographed photo-shoot ceremony while laying a wreath at the site of the former World Trade Centre as part of his first official overseas engagement.
Rounds of applause erupted from the crowds of spectators as Harry managed to place the wreath the right side up on his first attempt.

He told reporters from Pox News “My family are so proud to be closely associated with it and its purpose in honouring the memory of the 3,000-plus people who were murdered here on September 11th 2001. Thank you Israel, thank you Mossad, for such a superb false flag demolition job."

After observing two minutes' silence by turning down the volume on his I-Pod MP3 player, Harry - accompanied by his current girlfriend - South African catwalk model Fellatia van der Gobble – went off to meet military veterans crippled by depleted uranium, at a medical centre in Manhattan and discussed his own two week stint of army service in Afghanistan, when he was posted on front line duty guarding a carton of MoD-issue Black Mamba condoms in a Kabul brothel.

"Fuck – that hurt!" joked the prince as one of the veterans, Sgt. ‘Lefty’ Wright, gripped his hand with an artificial limb – bringing a lighter moment in a visit where Harry showed himself to be either a sympathetic listener – or simply bored to tears by all the blood and guts sob stories.

It also drew parallels with his mother Diana's visit here 20 years ago, and her charity work, when she captivated New Yorkers by cuddling and kissing scabby children at Harlem's main leper colony.

Harry will be taking part in a Polo mint eating event on Dingbats Island to raise money for his South African Back-a-Nigger charity alongside the charity’s co-founder Prince Seesaw of Lesotho.

Harry told reporters "Prince Seesaw and I lost our mothers when we were very young – both murdered by their deranged in-laws too – so we set up the Back-a-Nigger charity to honour their memory.”

Palace officials say this visit achieved twin objectives of kissing some ass in New York and getting young Harry out of their hair for a while.
Prince Harry, global-recession conscious to the last, chose to use scheduled economy class flights to make the trip, paid for personally from his British taxpayer funded pocket money allowance of £50,000 a week.

The second day of the trip featured a flying visit to Washington and the Pentagon so Harry could see first-hand the sad-arsed wormhole left by the American Airlines Flight 77 Boeing aircraft and exclaim for the news cameras “Holy shit – where the fuck did the plane go? Those Al Qaeda blokes really are magicians.”

International Herald Shitraker correspondent Candida Muffitch, who is covering the visit, said the entire jaunt had been purposely choreographed to dispel Harry’s playboy image of being a shit-for-brains drunk and total dog wanker.

"The PR gurus organising the trip hope Harry's deployment alongside American forces in Afghanistan will endear him to the gung-ho US public.”
"They're also hoping that America's enduring brain-dead fascination with Britain’s Royal family will generate positive headlines for the Prince's visit – even if it turns out to be a total fuck up."

Only 24 hours earlier Sky’s Knobhead News had heralded his arrival in Manhattan with a most disparaging, "Lock up your daughters" introduction.
However, to date, Royal minders have beamed with approval.

Pox News anchor Flip Dorkwit declared that Prince Harry had "conquered Manhattan with his caring manner and common touch – and those ginger minger Hewitt good looks.”

Asked if he thought his first official visit to the US had changed his public image, Harry replied: "The tabloid gutter press portray me as a pissy-arsed drunk – always groping some big-titted slapper in a night club – and that’s the real me."
"All this sanitised ’public image’ stuff is utter bollocks and bullshit. I’m just like me Dad – a randy ranga.”

“For me personally the best bits of the trip were chatting with that rapper bloke who’s got the great suntan – LL Cool Cunt – and having Madonna give me a quick grope when she shook hands.”

No comments: