Iran Arrests UK’s ‘Baker’s Dozen’ Agents Provocateur

The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’.

The Iranian media earlier reported that thirteen local staff at the UK’s diplomatic mission had been detained by the Basij militia for their ‘considerable role’ in post-election demonstrations – from inciting riots to supplying US-made cheat software for Diebold ballot counting machines to anti-Mahmoud Ahmasmadashell rabble.

UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede – applying his customary lack of logic and common sense - called the arrests of Iranian citizens - by Iranian police – under Iranian laws - for crimes committed on Iranian soil – and against Iranian property - as ‘outright harassment’ and ‘an infringement of their human rights’.

Iran has repeatedly accused foreign powers - especially Britain and the Great Satan - of stoking the unrest that swept the country after the 12th June election, which handed President Ahmasmadashell a decisive victory of 110% of the cast votes.

In the fallout of the crisis Tehran expelled two British diplomats in the past week and the UK has responded with a similar measure by cancelling the import of shipments of Iranian mangoes, jumbo figs and smoked goat meat.

Secretary Millipede told a reporter from the Regime Change Gazette that about thirteen UK agents – er - mission employees - had been detained in total, but some were released after having their fingernails ripped out and signing confessions of complicity to promote political unrest.

“We are still concerned about a number of our local staff who to our knowledge are still hanging upside down in the cellars of Tehran’s police headquarters and being deprived the use of a toilet.”

“Whatever these wimps are tortured into admitting to save their own worthless snitching skins, the idea that the British Embassy is responsible for instigating any portion of the demonstrations and protests that have been taking place in Tehran recently shall be vehemently denied – even if they do have proof we caused a spot of aggro’.”

A strong diplomatic protest had been lodged directly with the Iranian authorities, but there had been no official response, apart from several bricks and a petrol bomb thrown through embassy windows.