Friday, 12 June 2009

£50 Fine for £10 Litter Offence

Plastic plods from the council’s IQ-deficient Gestapo Squad in Scotland’s backward Slumborough area doled out a fifty pound fine to a man who acidentally dropped a tenner in the street.

Jock McTwat, 36, had just bought a second-hand tartan kilt with matching sporran for a quid at a Scumbag Shoppers charity store when he accidentally dropped a £10 note and his receipt.

McTwat walked on a few yards before being collared by Community Support cops, who downed him with a combination of taser shocks and well-aimed steel baton strikes to his arthritic knees – then imposed a £50 fixed penalty fine for dropping a £10 note which they defined as ‘high value littering’.

Community-friendly PCSO’s Stuart Stupid and Ronnie Retard told reporters “If this had been a £20 note he’d dropped then the fine would obviously have doubled.”

McTwat, an unemployed meerkat peeler from Slumborough in Smegmashire, had borrowed twenty quid from his mother on Tuesday, the day before his DSS welfare benefits were due, to buy a new kilt to attend a critical job interview at Pound Stretcher.

He told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker "I comes oot of th’ Scumbag Shoppers store wiv me new kilt an’ sporran an’ I had £17 change so I put th’ seven quid of coins in me front pocket and tried to put th’ receipt and th’ tenner in me back pocket.”

"I musta missed me back pocket cos of th’ arthiritis in me knuckles an’ both o’ them fell on the effin’ floor. I walked on four or five yards and heard one of the local plastic plods shout after me “Hey – see you Jimmy, yer litterin’ cunt!”

"I turns around sharpish like an’ I couldna believe me ears. Th’ tenner and th’ receipt were lyin’ on th’ ground together.”
"I sez thanks and I bends over ter pick th’ tenner up an’ th’ big spotty plod wiv th’ faggot blow job lips sez ‘Yer woz litterin’ Jimmy an’ that’s a big fifty nicker fine fer yer.”

“So I sez ‘fer fuck’s sake mon, I’m effin’ skint an’ canna afford ta go round chuckin’ tenners away – yer fifty quid insta-fine fer litterin’ is me week’s cash ter feed meself an’ have a few pints o' Headbanger lager.”

“Next thing both th’ plods go at me with a taser an’ batons an’ I get smacked ter fuck an’ back an’ wake up in a police cell – wiv me tenner confiscated as evidence of litterin’.”

The unemployed McTwat, who gets a mere £98 Jobseeker’s Allowance a fortnight and lodges in his widowed mother's garden shed, was ordered by magistrates to pay the £50 littering fine within 14 days or face a custodial prison sentence.

But this story of litter-busting gone mad by a local council’s power-crazy dictatorial plastic plods is nowhere near the first to be reported.

Pensioner Gladys Bonk, 93, was locked up for 18 hours and fined £50 for allegedly spitting out a cob of chewing tobacco onto a Salford street in Greater Manchester after leaving hospital following her recent breast enhancement procedure.

Titsy O’Gammer, a 16-year old mother of three, claimed her eight-month-old daughter Chanelle was fined £150 after litter busters picked up a medicine bottle with her name on it in Limerick, Ireland, although they actually live in Yorkshire.

Shocked Wilf Fuctifino, an unemployed wheelbarrow mechanic of Bench Hill’s Shitpit Terraces in Manchester, was hit with a £75 insta-fine for littering after his 18-month-old son, Pit Bull Lewie, sitting outside the Happy Halal Burgers cafe in St. Peters Square, fed bits of his Donner kebab to a flock of pedestrian pigeons and the messy birds left crumbs on the pavement.

Wilf told the court it was up to Lewie to pay the fine, and as the boy’s piggy bank had been plundered the previous week by his rhubarb-addict slag of a mother, council bailiffs seized his pram and high chair as payment.

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