Monday, 22 June 2009

Is The Stig a Tory MP ?

To viewers of the Top Gear petrol-head show, he is the androgynous Transformer : part Man / part Cyberdork - whose arteries course with low-cholesterol STD oil additives.

But the true substance of “The Stig”, the BBC motoring programme’s reclusive Mystery-Bot racing driver, was revealed yesterday to be somewhat more prosaic.

The identity of the cult character, who test-drives cars around the Top Gear track, was divulged at the weekend as Ronnie McScrunt – a pre-op’ transvestite and former London taxi driver who played the part of a green wheelie bin in Guy Richie’s last movie flop “Fuck off yer Scouse Twat”.

Before starring in Top Gear he had a varied career that included a two week stint in the Salvation Army's Sniper Squad, part-time espionage work for MI5 impersonating a potted plant in al Qaeda’s London public relations offices, and a job winding cuckoo clocks at Harrods.

McScrunt got into motor sports in 1994 when he raced in – and won - a Scalectrix Formula One competition at Brands Snatch – a breakaway career move from his mundane job as a call centre advisor for the Samaritans - charging £3 an hour giving "Just do it!" motivational speeches to potential suicides.

While the identity of McScrunt, a reformed WD40 addict, being the white-suited Stig has been an open secret within the transgender side of the motor racing world for some years the Sunday Shitraker outed the secret after following up a rumour that a man had ordered a large batch of personalised gay-themed Christmas cards with the Stig’s photo on the inside – with and without his ubiquitous helmet.

Confronted by reporters from the gutter press McScrunt admitted “Okay, it’s a fair cop - I’m Spartacus.”

Conversely critics and nay-sayers have jumped on the story, claiming it is a publicity stunt by the BBC and the Top Gear producers to simply boost flagging interest in a ‘ Macho Mano’ programme that many viewers are beginning to find boring as there are very few people ever killed during the vehicle stunts or in multiple pile-ups.

An online survey poll resulted in a unanimous opinion that the Sunday evening show now lacked ‘blood and guts’ - with many viewers swapping channels to watch the gore-laced BBC religious favourite ‘Songs of Praise’.

The cult surrounding the character has grown because he is routinely introduced on the show with a humorous reference to his alleged non-human faculties – like the fact he chews nails and spits rust – and bites the heads off rabid ferrets.

Introductions include “Some say his voice terrifies council bailiffs”, and “His bitches reckon he has bollocks the size of grapefruits.”

Today’s press is fielding claims that the real Stig’s identity is former racing champ Michael Shoechucker - juxtaposed with UK driver Benjamin Button, the naturally sun-tanned Lewis Hamilton, Bristol-born celebrity grafitti artist Wanksy, and further speculation that Stiggy sounds exactly like the squeaky-voiced Tory MP for Old Scrotum and Shadow Minister for Garden Sheds: Mr. Wentworth Thort-Nott.

In a candid aside to motor sports reporters Max ‘The Masochist’ Mosley - FIA president and celebrity neo-Nazi bondage enthusiast – told Pox News “Ever wonder why nobody can find Lord Lucan?”

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