Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction

An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall.

The ‘Fenian Jolly Jihad’ group is believed to have direct contacts with both the Real IRA and the False IRA, and further rumoured to receive direct technical aid and military ordnance supplies from Argos and B & Q outlets in Pakistan's Swat Valley.

Forensic experts from Ireland’s anti-terrorist squad have determined the explosives deployed in yesterday’s bombing were of a unique and distinct manufacture, and produced at Taliban Dan’s main base inside Afghanistan, then shipped into the country via Fed-Hex’s ‘Smiley Face’ parcel post service.

In a fiendish shift from the traditional terrorist makeshift anti-personnel favourite – the nail bomb - which was easily discovered by metal detectors – Jolly Jihad have developed a highly-brisant synthetic explosive by blending a lethal cocktail of industrial strength Evo-Stick adhesive with Rapid Araldite epoxy resin and silly putty Semtex.

In-house CCTV coverage recorded the previous night revealed the terrorist cell gained access to Dublin’s hectic city centre Paddy Mall through a basement cargo entrance after the night shift security guard - Sheamus McDuff - had eaten supper then sneaked off for his usual postprandial ‘Irish power nap’ - and went to asleep for three hours.

The explosive device was hidden under the Paddy Mall’s central atrium fountain and scheduled to detonate during lunchtime – at 12:30 pm precisely – when the mall was at it’s busiest.

CCTV footage taken only seconds before the explosion shows throngs of shoppers passing the fountain area. When the bomb’s reverberations dissipated and the smoke cleared, hundreds of innocent shoppers were discovered stuck to the mall walls, store front windows, ceilings, roofing beams and the mall floor itself.

Responding emergency service crews and the fire brigade began the task of rescuing shoppers from where the blast had thrown them – carefully levering them free with crowbars from whatever portion of the building they had become glued to.

Anti-terrorist squad chief Mick McTwat told reporters “The problem is once yer get the buggers loose an’ set them down then they get stuck to something else. I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is a new type of weapon we’re dealing with – the first ‘No-Nails‘ bomb.”

Police have set up watch at the major sea and air ports but believe the suspects may have gone to ground to plan their next sticky atrocity which technical officers fear may be evolved and upgraded to contain nuclear superglue as the primary ingredient.

Evidence linking the bomb explosion to the Fenian Jolly Jihad group was discovered in the basement cargo handling area where the terrorists had left a wheelbarrow containing a ‘Thick Mick’ low-viz donkey jacket, a copy of Bombs for Dummies, a wheelbarrow operator’s manual and copies of the Koran in both Arabic and Gaelic.

Several Chew n Spew fast food cartons lying around the wheelbarrow contained the remains of the terrorist’s dinners - an Irish mixed grill comprised of mashed potatoes, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, jacket potatoes and chips.

Heading the list of suspected terrorist felons is County Down-born Osama bin Murphy, who as a radical Muslim student at Dublin University in 1997, declared he would one day be Public Enemy No 1.
However police records reveal that to date he had only achieved the dizzying heights of being named Public Nuisance No 7.

Murphy was last heard of in Lebanon where he was reported to be training as a Semtex vest suicide bomber for Hezbollah but handed in his notice and quit after realising it wasn’t precisely the long-term terrorist career he had envisioned.

Other wanted members of the Fenian Jolly Jihad brigade include Achmed Kelly, Mohammed Riley, Abdul O’Sullivan, Faarooq Connolly and their hellcat moll - Bridgette O’Burqah.

While no fatalities were recorded from the bomb’s explosion, scores of cases of involuntary bowel movements were reported.

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