Saturday, 6 June 2009

Big Brother #10 on Vomit Box

Sixteen celebrity wanabee contestants braved the crowds of nasty losers on their way into the fabled Big Brother house at Twatford-on-Sea to kick off the 10th series of the Nausea Channel’s popular reality show.

Across the globe, in palaces, mansions, sheds, tents, yurts, huts and igloos more than 5.4 billion - 97.3 % of the world’s total TV audience – were glued to the screen and watched as the wannabes made their entrance.

The first of 16 contestants to enter the house was St. Sodom's University graduate Freddie McDork, 23, from Borkum Riff.

Freddie, a silver spoon status spoiled brat, who was brought up in his parents' Smegmashire stately home – equipped with a lake, tennis courts and hot and cold running chambermaids in every room - was showered with ripe dogshit by the waiting crowd as he became the first contestant to enter this year's Big Brother house.
In his taped interview the cloth-eared nouveau riche aristocratic pillock revealed his philosophy was based on a common misguided human sense of entitlement – that the world – or Life – owes him something.

Freddie was followed by porcupine-haired Lisa, 41, from Birmingham, who was shown in a taped interview with Pox News saying she loved to "turn" straight women and get them muff diving on her spiky snatch, after which she adored taking them doggy style – both holes - with her nine inch strap-on dildo.
The unemployed Lez-Dom punk drew boos as she skipped into the house, her pierced nipple and labial jewellery tinkling away like wind chimes in a cyclone.
Lisa says she’d like to be reincarnated as a pair of knickers and states her claim to fame was appearing topless in an STD advert.

Next in was lobotomised blonde glamour model Sophie, 20, from Cheshire, who was also roundly booed by all the envious pimple-titted slappers in the shit-for-brains crowd.
In her taped interview the Page Three scrubber revealed she’d recently had 38GG breast implants done in a ‘two-for-the-price-of-one’ discount deal by a Kwik-Fit garage in Nantwich.
Sophie reportedly supplements her freelance model lifestyle by flogging her golly to pissed up wealthy Arabs around London’s casino circuit .

Sophie was followed by Israeli wheelbarrow mechanic and amateur serial killer Jaakov Katz, 24, from the West Bank, who considers his Cousin Itt hairstyle to be his best feature.
"It smells like a cheapo council elderly care home in here," he said as he entered the house – turning his kike nose up at the stink of stale urine emanating from the carpets.
After listening to Liza’s interview, Jaakov said he’d like to be reincarnated as a tablecloth – to get laid three times a day and pulled off after every meal.

Performing farts / Petomane student Cairon, 18 - who was born in London but brought up in Autzwitch, Rwanda and Gaza to provide a hands-on real feel for deprivation and inhuman suffering - was next to enter the house. He amused the crowd by playing Handel’s ‘Largo’ on a flute stuck up his rectum.

Female heavyweight kick boxer and reformed rhubarb addict Olga Legover, 35, who claims she was a rock star in her native Russia before taking an NVQ 1 in Botanical Companion Hydration, entered the house in a top hat and tails, incurring the wrath of the crowd who shouted: "Off, off, off, off."

"Fuck you all too," Tourette’s Syndrome sufferer Olga shouted back with a smile -throwing them the bird.

Next in, the unemployed stick insect model and devout Pancake Tuesday Adventist, Karly, 21, from Scumford Sands, who said in her taped interview that she, being a self-proclaimed high maintenance asset, liked Premier league footballers because they were all thick as two short planks and had lots of money and that she had always been able to "wrap guys around me little finger once they get a sniff of me twat".

Glasgow-born porridge wog Angus, an unemployed tomcat strangler and current holder of the Mr.Gay UK title shook hands with iffy male members of the crowd on his way in.
"You look like a man who likes anal sex," punk Lez-Dom Liza commented with a wink as he entered the house's living room in a tartan skirt and toting a bagful of Preparation H and KY Jelly tubes.

Official Monsanto pin-up girl Benazir Skank, named after blown-to-bits Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, received one of the warmest receptions of the night from the crowd of marginalised and disaffected illegal Asian immigrants.
The 28-year-old genetically-modified Paki slapper told housemates to call her Benny for short – and definitely not Miss Chapatti or any other racist crap.

Career-orientated Beijing medical experimentation guinea pig Sue Doku, 26, formerly a UN Peace Corp volunteer organ donor, broke into hysterics during her taped interview when informed the definition of ‘volunteer’ was someone who has totally misunderstood the question put to them.
Ms. Doku was still in raptures of raucous laughter and pissing her knickers all the way through the BB house front door due the effects of her multi-coloured M & M pill-popping addiction.

Albanian psychic medium Clare Voyeur, 22, got booed by the crowd before turning around and cursing them all in a Gypsy Pikey dialect. Clare’s taped interview mentions she intends to hold a séance in the house and exorcise the malevolent ghost of celeb’ super-slag Jade Goody.
Her unsubstantiated claim to fame is a boast she knows the location of Lord Lucan’s hideout and where he goes riding on X-Files racehorse Shergar every morning.

Syphie Chancre, a part-time doormat weaver, said in the taped interview shown before her entrance that she hated to be labelled as a single parent –even though she was one.
The 29-year-old, who prefers to be known as an 'independent mum', was instantly booed for having her head so far up her own arse.
Syphie considers men to be 'just sperm donors' and has fourteen children - all by different fathers – but gets upset when men view her as a cheap slag and a basic life support system for a pussy.

Big Issue salesman and registered street person Rajiv, 24, who left India to study in the UK for Master’s degrees in Benefit Fraud and Shoplifting, received some of the biggest cheers of the night following his early parole from Bellmarsh Immigration Prison to take part in Big Brother 10 after he promised to vote Labour in the next election.
In his taped interview Rajiv made brief mention that if he was voted out of the BB #10 house he would go postal and massacre the remaining contestants.

Self-confessed monkey-spanker Avashit, 27, who was born in Iran, was the last contestant to enter the house.
“The Shah is home," he pronounced pompously as he stood atop the stairs inside the Big Brother house wearing a Jimmy Choo Choo designer label “Ayatollah of Rock n Roller” t-shirt topped by a hi-viz fluorescent yellow gilet displaying a nuclear trefoil decal – then pulled out his flaccid phallic member and announced to the assembled contestants “Say hello to Spartacus.”

Once in, the contestants were told they were all labelled with "non-housemate" status and would have to complete asinine tasks to become actual bona fide housemates.

Non-housemates are only allowed to live and sleep in a garden shed and on the lawn - with no access to the kitchen or bathroom - and have to shit in an A4 buff envelope and post it off to an X-Factor judge of their own choice.

Big Brother will provide them with cold porridge to eat each day – or a pick and mix smorgasbord choice from the garden compost heap - and if they want to wash, they’ll have to beg lesbian Domina Liza to give them a golden shower.

Official housemates have access to the rest of the house, with one bedroom for the boys (including UK MR. Gay champion faggot Angus), one for the girls (including Lez-Dom Liza) - and a bathroom with running water and a flush crapper (conspicuously still fitted with the same clinker-festooned toilet seat that Jade Goody caught cervical cancer from in a previous BB episode).

Brazilian tortoise polisher Rodrigo, who earlier denied rumours he’s a registered duck buggery offender, completed the first task by shaving the pubic hair of Noirin, 25, and drawing a moustache and glasses on the cheeks of her ass in permanent marker.

Big Brother had given Rodrigo a four minute deadline to find someone willing to be subjected to the treatment and to carry it out – with unemployed crack whore Noirin, from Bald Scrotum in Ireland, jumping at the chance to have her hairy ginger minger beaver shaved on national television and claim her Andy Warhol-ordained five minutes of global fame.

Hence both Noirin and Rodrigo have now earned the right to be fully-fledged housemates – shower together and piss in the same pot.

Big Brother hostess Fellatia van der Gobble said that more challenges would be set to give non-housemates the chance to earn the coveted housemate status.

Nausea Channel’s executive sadist Sharon Scrunt said that her team of jobsworths and killjoys were pulling out all the stops to shock contestants.

Scrunt told the media the tasks were designed to give viewers a good laugh and would definitely involve housemates making themselves look like ‘right cunts’.
She told The Daily Shitraker : 'We'll test what little common sense they have and see just how stupid they are prepared to look in order to survive.'

Tonight's opening show concluded by paying tribute to the late shit-for-brains Jade Goody, who shot to mega-bucks celebrity stardom after appearing on the series and finally confirmed for psychoanalysts and philosophers world-wide that there is something seriously wrong and amiss with human nature.

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