Thursday, 11 June 2009

Met’ Plods Guilty of Water Boarding

An undisclosed number of the London Metropolitan Police’s ‘Dacoit Squad’ (rumoured to be six) have been suspended or placed on restricted duties (pigeon patrol)) due allegations of ill-treatment of suspects following a police drugs bust raid.

The Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) is investigating the Smegmadale Hamlets-based officers' conduct, according to Scotland Yard spokeslut Candida Fuctifino .

The alleged offences are said to have taken place in the borough during drugs raids in November and December last year.

The Met’ admitted the allegations were serious and raised "real concerns" but refused to comment on the exact nature of the complaints in case the media blew the entire shebang out of proportion as usual.

However, some national newspapers, with the crusading Daily Shitraker at the forefront, are reporting that the officers used water torture techniques such as ducking a drug suspect's head in the bog and flushing it, and also the incident of Ukrainian-born PC Oleg Thugarotti pissing in one suspect’s ear to extract a confession.

Pox News has been unable to independently confirm these allegations, which remain unproven as of press time, but are nevertheless an excellent source of rumour mill material which always sells newspapers.

Scotland Yard spokesman Desmond Thort-Nott, told reporters a police employee, who cannot be named for legal reasons (PC Gerry Grasser) had raised concerns about the conduct of a number of officers during an internal investigation into allegations of the mishandling of seized property – specifically a large quantity of high grade rhubarb derivative which the arresting police officers were reported to have smoked and snorted while torturing the suspects.

The Metropolitan Police Authority said it would not "tolerate behaviour by Met officers that impacts negatively on community confidence and trust in their police service, and falls below the standards required from serving officers and those rightly expected by the public – like the G20 London summit fiasco where innocent passers-by were brutally beaten – and in one case murdered - by sadistic shit-for-brains plods.”

Scotland Yard issued a press release stating the Smegmadale Hamlets borough commander, Hector McTwat, is moving to a new job next week – as a security guard at Pound Stretcher.

The Independent Police Coverups Commission is now in the process of interviewing the Chinese suspects arrested in the 2008 raids who were reportedly subjected to torture by the Met’s Dacoit Squad.

A certain Flip Flop Fong, leader of the Fuk Yew Triad gang, who has a prior conviction for rhubarb smuggling, filed statements that his confessions were extracted under conditions of extreme rendition when he was held down and a pair of PC Thugarotti’s skid-marked underpants pulled over his face and then subjected to several water boarding sessions until he agreed to sign anything put in front of him – including PC Scumbag’s mortgage surety.

DNA swabs taken from Fong’s right ear have substantiated that it was PC Thugarotti who urinated in his ear.
Further established by the IPCC was the fact Mr. Fong, at the time of his arrest, was denied his constitutional right, as an illegal immigrant, to phone a friend.

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