Tuesday, 30 June 2009

The Heart & Soul of Collateral

A private finance company in loopy Latvia is offering residents loans secured by nothing more than their immortal soul.

The Riga-based firm, ‘Lucifer Loans’, does not require a credit history record or proof of employment and grants loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) to any adult of 16 years or older after he or she signs a short agreement - in their own blood.

According to the diabolist covenant the only security required of the borrower is their immortal soul, which they are asked to confirm as their personal and wholly-owned property : free of all easements, liens, encumbrances, mortgages and legal restrictions.

The loan is subject to one percent per day in interest until full repayment is contractually completed.
The period of full repayment – on any amount - is 90 days, and in case the borrower fails to return the money – with all due interest paid - the creditor gets full possession of their soul on the advent of the next full moon.

Dinsdale Scrunt, financial correspondent for the Tortoise Polishers Gazette, spoke to the IMF’s Chief of Usury, Sheldon Greedberg – a career bankster – who opined of the Latvian loan offer “It’s not a bad deal really – whereas normal loan sharks or banks have you by the balls and suck the life’s blood out of you, these guys simply take your immortal soul – deal done and dusted.”

Conversely the Lucifer Loans personal finance company offer has generated a hail of criticism from Christian religious groups, whose legal experts question the duration of the soul-selling contract – for ‘Eternity’ as simply too long.

One obvious problem with the advertised loan agreement is that baptized Christian believers will, upon dying and arriving at Heaven’s gates, be required to have their immortal soul scrutinized by Saint Peter for traces of heinous sin and undue wear and tear that might have deprived it of sanctifying grace and thus be a cause for infinite damnation in the fires of Hell.

However if your soul was used as collateral to secure an unredeemed loan in a ‘signed in blood’ Faustian pact with some shady Latvian finance company acting as a front for Satanic possession, then you’re fucked with a capital ‘F’ – so go straight to Hell and do not collect £200 as you pass GO.

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