Wednesday, 3 June 2009

UK Labour Government in Death Throes

Minister for Old Rope - and MP for Bald Scrotum - Hazel Bleary, has quit the Labour cabinet, increasing pressure on UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown to call it a day and hold a General Election.

Her departure is the second top-level resignation on the eve of the European and English local elections and led to stormy scenes in the House of Conman’s as the Prime Minister denied his government was now a total fuck-up and rejected calls for an immediate general election.

Ill-Health Secretary Alan Thort-Nott was given a Chinese burn by the Chief Whip and forced to deny his boast that he’s ready to take over as New Labour’s leader amid rumours of a backbench plot to convince Brown to do the right thing – Japanese fashion – and commit ritual seppuku on Parliament’s front steps for the entertainment of tourists and commuting passers-by.

Secretary Thort-Nott, wiping tears of pain from his eyes, told the Daily Shitraker "Gordon’s doing a fabulous job and there is no one who could do it better –apart from old Tony, who quit anyway – and myself."

Shifty McGitt, Minister for Tourette’s, told reporters in a candid aside “Hazel’s always been a right fuckin’ ranga slag – and it’s a real cunt’s trick on her part to quit now and drop old Gordie right in the shit. Bollocks to the ginger mingin' bitch, I say, and hope her next crap’s like an effin’ hedgehog – with antlers.”

David Cameroon, leader of the Aristocrats and Stuck Up Snobs party, harangued PM Brown to call an immediate General Election, stating that Labour’s 350 seats in Parliament had now shrunk down tp 203 – only ten more than the Tory’s 193 – since the recent expenses scandal had prompted MP’s to scuttle off in all directions to hide – or quit – or had got arrested by the police for their fraudulent claims.

Some Labour MPs have been seeking support for a letter calling for Mr Brown to step down as he is now about as popular as chemotherapy.
However, Lord Scandalson, the PM’s Senior Secretary for Sorting Shit Out, quickly pissed on that bonfire and in turn savaged Tory leader David Cameroon, saying he was a total dog wanker.
As to Ms. Bleary’s resignation, Lord Scandalson said she was planning to stand down after the elections, adding that she would never do anything to damage the party – apart from resign at the most inopportune moment and cause a cabinet crisis.

Ms. Blears gave her own version on events to the media, revealing “How am I to stay in government while I’m permanently red-faced and dying of embarrassment over getting caught fiddling my House of Conman’s expenses.”

“It might be easy for some of these other thick skinned thieving gits to maintain they’ve done nothing wrong and blame it all on the Parliamentary accounting office but they’re a bunch of crooks and broke the 11th Commandment – we all got caught out.”

(State of the parties before shit hit fan)

Labour - 350 - inc John Prescott’s lunchbox.
Conservative - 193 - inc Wind farm turbine cadre.
Liberal Democrat - 63 - inc. Ming the Merciless’ corpse.
Men in Skirts / Welsh Sheep Shaggers Coalition - 10 - Kilts & Cabers 7 / Woolybacks 3.
Cheese on Toast Adventists - 9 - Branston Pickle 4 / Chutney 5.
Sinn Fein Looney Bombers - 5 - Have not taken their seats and cannot vote but still claim second home expenses.
Anti-social Democrats - 3 - inc hermits and recluses.
Al Qaeda Taliban Moderates - 5 - On extreme rendition leave.
Independent Separatists - 1 - Reported missing.
Independent Independents - 1 - One sock missing.
Ulster Orange Peelers - 1 - Citrus coalition.
Rispekt Party - 1 - Gorgeous George.
Gorbals Mick / Speaker & 3 Deputies - 4 - Do not normally vote – unless in their own interest.
Billerickay Tomcats - 1 - Last seen on hot tin roof.
Total no. of seats - 646 - inc deck chairs / stools.
Current working government majority - 63 - inc those in jail for dodgy expense claims.

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