‘Unemployed’ to be Redefined by Oxford Dictionary

Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25’s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) – and 100% of over-25’s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits.

When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for Part-Time Jobs, claimed it was due the collapse of the fishing industry and the fact that idiotic EU-imposed catch quotas had been further reduced to four crates of cod or half a dozen dogfish per week.

Ms. Fuctifino further elaborated “I have empathy and pity for these youths, but if there are no jobs to apply for then logic denotes that they’ll remain unemployed until someone hapless foreign billionaire philanthropist sticks his neck out and invests in a labour-intensive industry – such as coal mining or canal digging.”

“Obviously the government can’t afford to invest in any more lost causes, and the youth of Hull and Grimsby seem to pass each day with a parasitic ‘hands-out’ misguided human sense of entitlement – that the world – or Life – owes them something.”
“With public financial outlay deteriorating sharply, the only way Hull or Grimsby are going to achieve additional fiscal stimulus is by going out and robbing a bank.”

Most youths in Hull and Grimsby were born to unemployed parents, and several, when interviewed, were unable to name anybody they knew who had ever been employed – in any capacity.
Three out of ten youths didn’t even know what the word ‘job’ meant, two out of ten thought it was a swear word, and six out of ten thought ‘employed’ was a serious medical condition for which there was no known treatment – or cure.

While even the Cambridge-based Peppercorn Pessimists believe the majority of the UK will start to make a recovery from the current recession by mid 2010, the Oxford Optimists research group admit that the Hull and Grimsby areas are a failed social experiment that defies Darwinian evolutionary logic, with all forecasts in agreement that the populations will be back living in caves and existing as hunter-gatherers - or will have become extinct - by 2015.

New Labour’s covert plans for Operation Parsimony, excogitated by the Fascist and hegemonic Kafkaesque / Orwellian 'Tavistock Institute for Sheeple Control' – are to build a ‘segregation barrier’ south-east of York, encompassing the Humber Estuary from Hull to Grimsby – including Scunthorpe – which are set to be implemented early next year – with the populations of the ostracized communities forced to resort to cannibalism or relocate to mainland Europe.

On a brighter note drug addiction figures in Hull and Grimsby are down to zero for the first time in years due the fact nobody – or their dog – can afford to buy any smack or snort or smoke. The main mood-altering / mind-blowing narcotic substance of choice right now is wild rhubarb – which is usually swallowed by the spoonful – with custard.