Tuesday, 9 June 2009

MP Blunkett Attacked by Old Cow

Former scandal-ridden Home Secretary David Blindgit is recovering after being repeatedly charged and injured by an old cow in Derbyshire.

The incident happened on Saturday while the blind Mr Blunkett was out walking in the Peak District on his 92nd birthday with faithful guide dog Sloppy, and looking for loose women to have his babies.

Bonkett apparently heard the old cow charging towards him, and slipping off his Matalan overcoat, turned to meet the oncoming bovine beast matador-fashion.

Fellow walkers heard him call out “Is that you Shergar?” then receiving no reply, shouted “Fuck this for a game of soldiers” and bolted hot-footed in the opposite direction.
It is believed the old cow then ran after Blindgit and while trying to protect him, Sloppy the dog got severely hoofed and was converted like a rugby ball.

Sloppy suffered a fractured tail and Blunkett got away lightly with a broken rib and a spot of nice purple bruising, but was declared well enough to attend a Labour Party piss up later to divvy out the Cabinet’s fiddled expenses kitty.

A spokesman for Mr Blankett said: "He has a very bruised ego but David's used to that with all the scandals and shit he gets himself entangled in.”

“Given the critical nature of Labour’s political circumstances at the moment, he is going - albeit extremely slowly - to be in London this week, with all the other vultures – just waiting for Gordon to roll over and play dead so they can make their bids for the party leadership."

Blonkett, the MP for Sheffield’s Slumborough constituency, will attend a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party when it is expected Prime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown will be grilled about his lack of a future as the party leader – and – as a politician in general.

Priscilla Pratt, a part-time Numptyologist from the National Farmers Union’s Department of Defective Logic, gave the following advice to the public, should others find themselves in a similar position.

"The best thing to do is to let the dog off the lead so it can run away because obviously a dog can run faster than you – and probably see better as well if you happen to be blind" she told the mad cow correspondent from the Schadenfreude Gazette.

"The next thing to do is to get quite quickly to the edge of the field, collect the dog and leave. Obviously this only applies to non-blind people and wouldn’t have helped Mr. Bonkett’s predicament."

Rumours that the old cow who attacked Blankett bore a remarkable resemblance to ex-paramour Kimberly Quimm have been vehemently denied.

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