Saturday, 27 June 2009

Lost Ark-Nappers Admit Possession

The patriarch of the Orthodox Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Ethiopia says he will announce to the world today his schedule for the unveiling of the Ark of the Covenant.

Apparently this piece of Biblical era flatpack furniture is claimed to be history’s most prized archaeological and spiritual artefact, which has been hidden away in the dusty shithole cellar of an Ethiopian church for two and a half millenniums, according to the Italian news agency Corruptioni Press.

The Ethiopian Abuna Pauolos, in Italy for a meeting with Pope Benny Mk XVI this week, told the news agency, "Soon the world will be able to admire the Ark of the Covenant described in the Bible as the container of the holy tablets God gave to Moses for his bad back.”

The announcement is expected to be made this afternoon from the Hotel Extravaganza in Rome. The Abuna will reportedly be accompanied by Ethiopia’s dreadlocked Rastafarian Prince Highly Unlikely and Italian Mafia Grandee Duke Amadildo de Custard.

"The Ark of the Covenant has been hidden in Ethiopia for many centuries, since the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem was destroyed by the Babylonian vandals in 586 BCE,” Pauolos told press reporters.

"You common peasant heathens and infidel types have only seen the Ark in a Steven Slimeberg movie but I, as a VIP patriarch, have seen it with my own eyes.”
“But now you all, for a small facilitation fee, will be able to come to Ethiopia and see the unveiled Ark and take photos with your digicams – and make a wish too. This will really boost our tourist trade.”

According to Pauolos, the actual Ark has been kept in one church in Axum, but to defend the treasure and maintain the secret, scores of copies were built and placed in every single church in Ethiopia - so now nobody really knows which one is the real thing since the batteries in the genuine article went flat around a thousand years ago.

For the benefit of those lacking any form of education, the Ark of the Covenant is the sacred container of the Ten Commandments - as well as Aaron's fishing rod and a couple of kilos of manna (shelf life expiry date suspect) the mysterious low-cholesterol food that kept Moses and Co. alive while wandering in the wilderness for forty years without the aid of a compass or a Sat-Nav DGPS - during their journey to the Promised Land – Canaan - where the Palestinians used to live quite peacefully before the Israelis stole it in 1948.

The Bible relates that the Ark was built to the specifications of God as He spoke to Moses in divisions and multiples of talents, cubits, spans and letheks – which worked out to be approximately the same size as a modern day sideboard – mounted with a pair of full winged gold leaf cherubim – much the same as one might buy from Ikea or Wal-Mart.

While the Orthodox Christian Ethiopians believe the Ark is destined to be delivered to Jesus the Messiah when He reigns on Mount Zion – the Temple Mount in Jerusalem - conspiracy theorists claim the unveiling of the sacred Ark at this time is a dirty Rothslime Masonic Zionist plot to kick start the End of Times and initiate the Apocalypse by micro-nuking the Al Aqsa Mosque and wiping out any and all Islamic presence in Jerusalem - so the Third Temple of Solomon – a top priority in the Jewish eschatology - can be built on the site and usher the Coming of the Jewish Messiah - Lucifer.

Wouldn’t it come as an all-mighty (no pun intended) shock to the Shylock hierarchy if Allah or Mohammed - or Jesus Christ turned up instead.

No comments: