Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Little Brother (and Sister) are Watching You

Primary schoolchildren from the age of five are set to be taught how to spot potential terror suspects as part of a Numpty-Plod government strategy to tackle extremism – both political and religious.

Smegmadale Police’s elite anti-terrorist unit ‘Twat-a-Wog’ has made a DVD featuring animated animals in a bid to teach children about the dangers of fundamentalism.

The force's new unit said the DVD from Kafka Studios aimed to teach youngsters about religious extremists and fundamentalism so they can recognise a terrorist in a sideways glance - and detect that shifty look behind the hajib.

Children will be encouraged to inform on their classmates if they feel other pupils are expressing extremist views – especially the ones with funny names like Abdul or Fatima or Mohammmed, who kneel down and bang their heads on the floor when they say their prayers.

The video features the Orwellian animated characters of Uncle Sam the Eagle, Big John the Bulldog, Francois the Frog, Herman the blockhead Hun and Shylock the Scrawny Kike Scrote – all of whom are hunting down Taliban Dan and his psycopath girl friend Betty Burqah - plus their pet Ali : the camel with a Semtex hump.

Shylock the Scabby Scrote is featured shooting down Ahmed the Mad Mullah on a flying carpet that has a huge trefoil nuclear symbol in its pattern.

Shylock then explains that a terrorist can look like anyone, and urges children to tell the police, their parents or a teacher if they hear any of their Muslim scumbag neighbours or school pals talking about terror related activity such as not voting Labour, doing a pick and mix job on their wheelie bin garbage or letting their goats crap on the pavement.

Youngsters at the Asbo Central High School will be shown the video at the annual Streetwise open day later this month in nearby Smegmadale-on-Sea.

Streetwise has taught children about issues such as how to diffuse a parcel bomb, assist Granny’s suicide attempt, and to disable scallie muggers with a claw hammer for over ten years, but this month's event will be the first to focus on Islamic terrorism.

PC Desmond McScrunt, a spokesman for the Twat-a-Wog squad, told an interviewer from Pox News 'It's something that we need to be aware of across the country – especially now we have all these shifty foreign immigrants with their weird religious views coming here and hating our democratic freedoms – like being able to eat fish and chips on a Friday.”

"We're not really trying to scare anybody – apart from the Jolly Jihad types who like blowing shit up – and themselves with it.”
McScrunt added: “'We're trying to introduce it to the kids at an early stage but we don’t want everyone getting paranoid – well, not just yet anyway.”

“The focus on terrorism isn’t only going to be aimed at Islamic fundamentalists, but also animal rights extremists and other dodgy groups – such as the Big Issue sellers, the Townswomen’s Guild, thieving Pikeys and Albanian swan roasters.

In a pathetic and futile attempt to offset the all too obvious anti-Islamic theme of the Gestapo-style training film it also uses the example of the 17th Century Yorkshire terrorist Guy Fawkes saying that his strong religious and anti-monarchist views began forming at sixteen when he watched the recusant Pearl of York, Fellatia van der Gobble, martyred by being crushed to death in a swiss roll press for harbouring Catholic priests in her home.

Do you want your child to become an MI5 spy? Would you grass up your Muslim neighbours for twenty pieces of silver? Of course not. How about thirty pieces?
Do you think Guy Fawkes should have blown up Parliament? Could he have claimed for the gunpowder on expenses?

If your child is over five years of age they can fill in one of our MI5 online application forms at

Don’t forget our “Grass up your Dodgy Neighbours” competition closes at the end of June.
Enter tonight and drop some poor hapless foreign twat right in the shit.
Prizes include two weeks in Happy Helmand Province, sunny Afghanistan, for a family of four - on patrol, getting shot at - and fragged - with the 16th Air Assault Brigade.

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