Friday, 12 June 2009

Glacier Accused of Global Warming Denial

This past week Klaus Klunt, climatology correspondent for the Tortoise Polishers Gazette, received an astounding report from Yakutat, Alaska, concerning the Hubbard Glacier.

The glacier, in total denial of global warming, is advancing toward Gilbert Point near Yakutat at the astonishing rate of two meters (seven feet) per day!

“The United Sttates Army Corp of Engineers special Web site for the Hubbard Glacier contains some absolutely amazing photos of the advancing glacier,” says Klunt. “One can easily see the expanding wall of ice – and it is huge – with a big capital H.”

“If a glacier with zero IQ up in backward Alaska knows the truth about global warming then our brainwashed global warming alarmists need to admit the truth also - that we are actually experiencing an extended period of global cooling caused by our silent sun – and zero sunspot activity,” Klunt informed Pox news.

'When the Hubbard Glacier closes the Russell Fjord in the coming months, the fjord will fill with fresh water, becoming a 30-mile-long lake creating a new 40,000-cubic-feet-per-second river system. This will have an extremely 'negative' economic impact on the already recession-stricken Yakutat and the surrounding snow-covered regions.

Moves are afoot by Washington lobbyists, representing the budding carbon cap and trade exchanges, to steer Congress to pass legislation condemning any and all accelerated advances of glaciers within the US – and further classify such actions by recalcitrant glaciers as offences covered under Homeland Security’s domestic terrorism laws.

Sheldon Slimeberg, CEO for Zion Carbon Traders and the official spokesman for global warming guru Albert Arnold Bore, who won awards for his bullshit propaganda film ‘A Convenient Pack of Lies’, told reporters “This kind of anarchist behaviour by glaciers could upset our entire carbon cap and trade industry – which is based on the fear that we’re all gonna fry within ten years if we don’t stop industrial CO2 and agricultural methane emissions.”

“If we have glaciers that start thinking for themselves and sprinting off in all directions at a geometric rate, people are gonna think the climate’s cooling - then how the hell are we supposed to make a profit out of global warming? My answer is ‘nuke the glaciers’ and make them conform to established scientific opinion.”

“The Hubbard Glacier taking off like this is real bad for business. The peasants are gonna start listening to these radical science types who go on about the sun going into silent mode and having no sunspot activity – so that’s why it’s getting cooler and not warmer. For fuck’s sake – they’re saying the sun’s causing climate change and not us – that doesn’t sit well with our propaganda machine.”

“We’ve pretty well convinced everyone and his dog into believing man‘s causing the greenhouse effect and global warming through carbon and methane emissions – now someone’s gonna start shouting from the rooftops about giant herds of mammoth and bison roaming the Earth thousands of years ago - belching and farting all day long – and they caused an Ice Age.”

“It’s real dangerous ground we’re treading here with this radical Hubbard Glacier going into global warming denial. What the fuck next – are these glaciers gonna get into Holohoax denial as well?”

* Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No glaciers, bison or mammoth were disturbed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

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