Scandalson Tugs Brown’s Puppet Strings

The rodent-faced Lord Peter Scandalson of Slimeborough – aka ‘Vermin in Ermine’ - stitched up a deal with New Labour’s deadweight PM Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown for a tame Iraq inquiry to protect his former mentor Tony Bliar, according to a report leaked to the Rumour Mill Gazette.

Business Secretary Scandalson apparently coerced the inept Brown by giving the numpty clot a Chinese burn and poking him in his good eye with sharp pencils until he coalesced to picking a panel of establishment stooges who would probe the Iraq conflict quagmire with the desired apathetic sense of determination – in exchange for his support in heading off a Cabinet coup against the beseiged Prime Munster.

However with the original plans blown out of the water following a public outcry of “Whitewash”, the Government yesterday engineered yet another U-turn – in an attempt to disappear up their own arse.

Foreign Secretary David Millipede said for the first time that the panel chaired by Sir Jarvis Shitpot, Minister for Cover-ups, will be able to ‘Name, Blame and Shame’ those involved in the worst foreign policy disaster since the last foreign policy disaster. (Afghanistan? / Coalition of the Willing?) – as long as his name wasn’t mentioned on their shit list.

He also said it would be possible for witnesses to give evidence on oath – and swear on their Mother’s grave - then lie through their teeth as usual – or face a pariah’s stigma and political ostracism.

An authoritative report in the Daily Shitraker this week lays bare how Prime Munster Brown was coerced by Lord Scandalson into a futile attempt to protect the besmeared reputation of career scumbag Tony Bliar, and, by association, his own.

Scandalson had played a similar role in recommending Lord Mutton as a compliant and manipulative stooge to investigate the dodgy suicide (murder) of weapons scientist / inspector Dr David Kelly who’s bloodless body was discovered on a grassy knoll at Harrowdown Hill in Faringdon, near his Oxfordshire home, after reportedly slashing his wrists with a pork sausage.

Apparently Dr. Kelly had upset an already precariously-balanced Bliar government apple cart by daring to suggest, in his superbly-qualified opinion, that Saddam Hussein and Iraq possessed no weapons of mass distraction that could be rained down on the UK within 45 minutes – and hence presented no threat to the continuation of Western civilisation and Life on Earth.

Further Kelly’s about-to-be-publicised scientific opinion that the 9/11destruction of the WTC Towers 1 and 2 had been caused by a combination of micro-nukes - and the deployment of an advanced physics 'molecular dissociation' weapon - which reduced the twin tower’s concrete and core steel to powdered dust – was the clincher for having Meir Dagan’s rabid hi-fiving Mossad crazies knock him off – exercising their customary level of bull-in-the-China-shop sophistication in making Kelly’s murder look like suicide.

Fellatia Sodomberg, a Pox News journalist close to senior New Labour figures, reported on the dodgy deal : “Scandalson – on Blair’s behalf – set down specific conditions for the Iraq war inquiry.”
“The deal forced on Brown was explicit. Not only were the hearings to be held in private, but the committee would, as with the Mutton - Jeff inquiry, be composed of ex-public school chinless wonder faggots who were wholly manipulative due their recorded past sins and misdemeanours.”

Brown was instructed by Scandalson to ensure that the members of the inquiry would, in the words of Sir Morton de Grasseur, the official Civil Service snitch, keep the truth buried under a swathe of DA 01 notices, the official secrets act, and ‘interests of national security’ bullshit excuses.

Last night another snitch, who has known inquiry chairman Sir Jarvis Shitpot from their public schooldays together, told reporters “He’s vulnerable because Scandalson knows all his arse bandit BD/SM peccadilloes.”

However, Sir Montague Moron, Tory MP for Old Scrotum, revealed that secret papers from the ‘What the Butler Saw’ report on the legality of the war, which Tony Bliar concealed from his Cabinet, would make ministers ‘shit their pants’ if they were published as part of the new inquiry – and these were what Scandalson was hysterical about keeping buried as there was no “Get Out of Jail Free” clause attached to any of them.

Questions are now being raised in the House of Conmans by Labour back bench rebels and opposition MPs over the fact Scandalson has been promoted to First Secretary of State and Lord President of the Council – personally ruling a sprawling Whitehall empire with ten ministerial underlings – and is totally unaccountable and not answerable to anyone but the pathetic Gordon Brown – if then.

Thus MP’s want Scandalson brought to book for his devious manipulations and summoned before Parliament to answer embarrasing questions from MPs like any other secretary of state.

While it has been speculated that the treacherous Scandalson might do the honourable thing and fall on his own sword, critics have been quick to point out that the arrogant egocentric scumbag doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘honour’and has skin thicker than a rhino’s arse.

It is now hoped that Whitehall’s ruling civil service mandarins will force Brown’s hand to dismiss Scandalson from any form of UK government office – or at least exile him back to Brussels, where as EU trade commissioner he performed beyond expectations – waving his ‘trade defence instruments’ sword at all and sundry – in true Quixotic fashion - and totally pissing off the Chinese industrial juggernaut – while ensuring the creation of low-value jobs that paid minimum wages, and simultaneously crippling Europe’s ability to create high wage jobs.

Little surprise that Scandalson is the wunderkind toast of the New World Order’s Masonic-Zionist mutant elitist oligarchs.

A question posed – if Tony Bliar is brought to book for his leading role in kick-starting the illegal invasion of Iraq – and charged with ‘crimes against humanity’, might he still be permitted to assume the post of the EU Presidency (if the rigged election goes ahead) and run said office from the cramped confines of an overcrowded British top security prison cell?