Saturday, 10 November 2012

UK’s MOD to Field ‘Amateur Army’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition’s lacklustre Minister of Defence, Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, yesterday confirmed that in a subterfuge attempt to confuse Broken Britain’s enemies – specifically the Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorist types who hate our Democratic freedoms – he is pushing to change the name of the Territorial Army to the Unpaid Volunteer Cannon Fodder Reserve - then the Taliban – or the Iranians – or Al Qaeda’s Mohammed al Ka-Boom Brigade suicide vest bombers won’t know who is who – or what the fuck is what - or where to retaliate with their black pepper and peroxide bombs when the UK sticks the next batch of one-eyed, hook-handed, hate-mongering radical Islamic scumbags on a CIA extraordinary rendition flight to the good ole US of A’s Guantanamo Bay smiley face holiday camp.

Speaking with Jeremy ‘Pitbull’ Paxo on the BBC’s ever-popular primetime Newshite programme, Hammond, the incumbent Tory MP for Runnynose and former Shadow Minister for Firewood Affairs’ denied accusations that his plan to boost the role of army reservists was a direct result of the government's fatally-flawed austerity cuts scheme to slash the NATO / ISAF military contingent down to a mere token force to guard the Afghanistan opium crops and Socal pipeline – and play ‘green on blue’ backstabbing games with the vindictive Afghan regulars.

Regardless the venomous Paxo mercilessly hammered home allegations that thousands of the TA’s ‘weekend warrior’ ranks had been conscripted to deploy to Afghanistan’s Bellend Province troublespot and replace regular army squaddies recently made redundant – all signing a disclaimer to any form of salaried remuneration and foregoing the right to claim compensation or hit the MoD for prosthetic limbs if they step on one of their own illegal L10 Ranger anti-personnel mines – or fall victim to one of the Great Satan’s ‘friendly fire’ UAV MQ-9 Reaper drone Shitstreak missiles that seem to hit anything they weren’t aimed at.

TA volunteers indeed. We all know the definition of a volunteer – a person who has totally misunderstood the question put to them – and now we’re to have an army of wannabee amateurs posing as war-mongering professionals – hence from here on it’s not so much a matter of Win or Die but one of Win or Lose.
Alas there is no such thing as neo-colonialist military expansion on the cheap – that’s a no-brainer proved time and again in the past – with Isandalwana and World War One’s trench warfare as perfect examples of the results of a lack of forward thinking when the hierarchy should have first reflected on past mistakes.

Such is the consequence of the Libservative Coalition’s austerity measures that now they’ve passed the stage of slashing the welfare benefits of the social needy and disabled and intend to replace 20,000 regular troops, forced into a state of reluctant redundancy, with 30,000 weekend TA Action Man types from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 18th Body Bag Brigade - who might well know how to pull a trigger of an SA80 IW but haven’t a fucking clue where to point the barrel.

Would you be interested in joining the TA Army Reserves? Are you currently in the Army and about to be made redundant as part of the government’s cost-cutting campaign? What do you think of Hammond’s knobhead plans to field an army on the cheap? Would you be willing to sign up with the TA and risk life and limb for sweet fuck all?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a complete Action Man Kevlar body armour kit – and a year’s free / all-inclusive BUPA medical cover – which also includes a prosthetic limb of your choice if you’re unfortunate enough to mistake shit from shinola and step on an anti-personnel mine, get fragged by your own troops, or blown away by a Taliban IED.

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and address so Al Qaeda knows where to send a hit squad or nice parcel bomb.

Thought for the day. Regardless of Hammond’s comment claiming his hare-brained scheme will mark a radical shift in the way that TA reservists will be tasked to ensure the nation's security, personally I’d stock up on sandbags, buy a big dog (ideally the nasty baby-biting terrier type) and a couple of baseball bats – and booby trap the driveway and garden with punji spear pits and deadfalls.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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