Thursday, 1 November 2012

Met’s Scotland Yard ‘Plod Central’ up for Sale

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The top dog hierarchy running the Met’s Plod Squad – (a very dodgy Masonic secret handshaking cadre comprised of the type of blokes who could fuck up a perfectly good anvil) – in response to a ‘Read This, Tremble and Obey’ missive received from London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, have resorted to their customary one-size-fits-all approach to every fucking thing, conjured up a moronic ‘vendre un canard à moitié’ scheme - and are planning to sell off their Scotland Yard headquarters in a bid to slash £500 million quid off the proposed 2013 budget.

Commissioner Sir Irwin Bogbrush, informed one press hack from the Pawnbrokers Gazette that to achieve the required budget savings demanded by Mayor Nonsense then a third of the Met's property estate would have to be flogged off – a portfolio inventory that lists some 700 buildings including police stations, patrol bases, traffic garages, rug n tug massage parlours, opium dens, Yardie break-dancing clubs – and a recently-seized 1960’s police call box that had been illegally-modified into a Time Lord’s Tardis.

The full spectrum of Plod Squad stations across London will be under threat of closure, with five already approved for sale, as the force’s top brass seek to generate a ready cash slush fund to guarantee their festive season performance bonuses.

Iconic buildings, police stations and front counter services are all at risk of getting the proverbial chop – a part of the Libservative Coalition’s desperate asset-stripping strategy to axe the Met's large property estate, much of which pre-dates the Boer War and is now not fit-for-purpose and can be auctioned off for mega bucks profits to developers.

Commissioner Bogbrush clarified “We need buildings fit for a modern police service, so what we’re planning is to flog off our Scotland Yard HQ and move to a collection of smaller – and cheaper - individual ‘purpose specific’ units – such as customised garden sheds and 20 foot container vans – then we’ll outsource all our crime scene and forensics work to that smart-arsed Gil Grissley twat with the beard on CSI as they seem to be able to solve any damn thing while our blokes are still scratching their heads.”

“On the upside, the central SW1 Victoria location of Scotland Yard is a very ‘des-res’ postcode and the building’s ideal for converting into an apartment block – plus the basement cells will be a great BD/SM themed dungeon feature for kinky residents with a fetish for 50 Shades of Off-White spankie games – or for ghost-hunting séances considering all the scallies and scrotes who’ve croaked down there from an overdose of police TLC while in custody.”

As part of Mayor Bonkers Boris’s cost-cutting scheme, police stations in Slumborough Hamlets, Twatford, Knobhead Green, Doggers Wood, Smegmadale and South Deadwood have been approved for sale, but DC Bogbrush reassured gutter press hacks from the red top tabloids during a news conference "We will have at least one station in each borough providing access to the public for a couple of hours a day – probably around lunchtime – regardless of our plans to close 136 underused front counters.”

In their place, Bogbrush stated the Met’ aims to establish more opportunities for safer neighbourhood teams to be in blackspot mugging and Stop n Rob locations.
“We’ll take a leaf out of the Royal Mail’s book and copy what they did after flogging off their Post Office buildings – incorporate them into places like branches of Bargain Booze, Flatbrokes betting shops, Yates Wine Lodges, Pikey Pete’s Flog-It Emporiums, Cash Converters, the local chippy or chew n spew takeaways – and NHS hospital A & E units.

“Besides working with local authorities to share public access points, we’re also looking at saving a few bob more by cutting the number of borough commanders as there’s presently one for each of the 32 council areas who either sit on their arses all day or wander around like strutting capons, showing off their shiny buttons.”

“Hence to comply with Mayor Nonsense’s election promise earlier this year to keep police numbers at a minimum of 32,000 we can get shut of the overpaid borough commanders and other back room hangers-on and increase the number of PCSO’s and Community Enforcement Officers by a few thousand if we hire them directly from the Renta-Thug Security Agency every time our regular plods shoot some half-chat scally in a mini-cab and a Loot-a-Thon riot kicks off – or a bit of a seasonal crime wave gets underway.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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