Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Plods Charge Murdoch’s Marauders

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Issuing a press release to a pack of salivating media hacks gathered outside a rain-swept 10 Downing Street yesterday afternoon, Posh Dave Scameron’s official mouthpiece, Soundbite Scabby Bertin commented that her boss was now aware of the fact his ex-communications director Andy Coulson, along with weekend horseplay partner Rebekah Brooks, had been charged by the Met’ in connection with ‘facilitation fees’ (bribes) forked out to a legion of bent plods and a host of other untrustworthy public service officials.

However Bertin was quick to point out “Let’s be clear on something here with these graft and corruption charges – the PM had no idea he was associating with ranking members of the Murdoch crime syndicate when he invited Mrs Brooks to Chequers at weekends for a gallop around the paddocks. Nor that Mr Coulson was a total dog wanker as he never put anything about phone hacking or authorising bribes during his tenure at the Sunday Shitraker down on his CV’s job description when he applied for the post of spin doctor with the Tory Party.”

The gospel according to the Crown Prosecution Service claims that Raving Rupert Mudrock’s favourite ‘Ranga’ – News International’s ginger mingin former chief executive Rebekah Brooks, along with ex-Sunday Shitraker editor Andy Coulson, journalists Clive Goodman (Royal Scandals columnist) and John Kay (chief reporter at the Tit Ogler's Gazette) plus MoD employee Bettina Ffitch-Gargoyle will – along with fifty-two others scally types - face a smorgasbord of charges relating to their criminal actions uncovered by the Met’s Operation Scumbag investigation into corrupt payments - including conspiracy to commit misconduct in public office - dating back to 2002.

Operation Scumbag is being run alongside two other inquiries - Operation Tweeting, which is researching allegations of phone hacking and naming Lord Alfie McAlpen as a low-life kiddie fiddler - and Operation Twat-Watch, an inquiry into accusations of computer hacking into MI5’s ‘North Face Holdall’ files – along with a bevy of similar privacy breaches.

Speaking to gutter press hacks outside east London’s Scrote Green Police Station after being charged, Coulson appeared to be in top ‘spin doctor’ propaganda form and, putting on an Oscar-winning heart-rendering performance, stated he was extremely disappointed by the CPS’s decision to charge him with a crime that would be all above board if doing business in Saudi Arabia or any of the other Third World basket cases where baksheesh is part and parcel of the iniquitous national culture.

“For fuck’s sake, all we did was shell out a few quid for a copy of the Royal Family’s Green Book phone directory and a xerox of the ‘Cuckoo File’ - Prince Harry Hewitt’s dodgy DNA test results– so to my mind that stuff doesn’t really constitute acts of treason. Yet now none of the Tory top brass are willing to take a personal phone call from Rupert Mudrock – or accept a few million quid donation for the party’s election campaign coffers to make this problem go away.”

“No shit, I miss the days when Tony Bliar was PM – or Pete Scandalson was still Brownie’s business secretary, then this kind of police persecution and charges would be done and dusted with a quick phone call and a thick buff envelope getting dropped behind crapper #3’s cistern at Waterloo tube station.”

As for the previously ‘Untouchable’ Wicked Witch of the West, Rebekah Brooks, apart from the phone hacking allegations and returning one of Met boss Sir Ian Bliar’s pensioned-off ‘gift horses’ in a somewhat ‘damaged’ condition’, she’s also been charged with conspiring to pay Ministry of Defence employee Bettina Ffitch-Gargoyle £100,000 quid for top secret information that wasn’t readily available on eBay, Google or WickedLeaks - or the Russian FSB’s website.

Following a nail-biting anxiety session as she was charged, Brooks admitted to former press colleagues that she’s shitting kittens over the likelihood of copping a massive fine and a couple of years custodial jail time, locked in a cell with a bodybuilding butch dyke – whose misuse of steroids has equipped her with nipples like coffin nails and a priapic six inch clitoris.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Quinn said...

Yet another laugh-a-minute skit, Rusty. Brilliant