Tories to put UK on War Footing

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition ‘fusion’ government leader, Posh Dave Scameron, donned his sullen austerity mask yesterday as he stepped up to the House of Conmans’ dispatch box to announce he intends to advance the Big Brother Society agenda a further tip-toe step by clamping down on the voting public’s constitutional right to legally challenge government policies in a bid to save money and bolster Broken Britain’s basket case economy.

Henceforth any fucker or their dog who wishes to get a Bolshie cob on and oppose dodgy government decisions (such as invading some hapless Mid-East nation without UN Security Council approval on the conjured premise they might have weapons of mass distraction and intend to launch them at London in the next 45 minutes) will be faced with a tight schedule to apply for judicial reviews – (the current three months slashed to three days) - be burdened with mega-bucks fees - and see any chance of appealing go the same way as the Dodo.

Scameron informed gob-smacked press hacks that the move was aimed at forcing those afflicted with Oppositional Defiance Syndrome, the radical activist and conspiracy theory types, think twice about raking up allegations that Maggie Thatcher’s cabinet was infested with fudgers and paedo’s – or fielding time-wasting tactics to delay vital national development programmes – such as occurred when the ginger-mingin Environment Secretary Caroline ‘Nannygate’ Spelman attempted to pull a fast one and flog off our hallowed and sacred ancient forests to the foreign-owned Sahara Timber Trading Company and Pikey Pete’s Firewood Emporium.

“What we need is to stop all these lazy oicks watching daytime television and a return to the concept of wartime thinking - when the rules were circumvented. Perhaps a fitting analogy would be seeing a return to the battlefront spirit of Agincourt manifest in the hearts and minds of the idle arsed unemployed and the NEETs - where everyone had their bows strung and a quiver-full of arrows ready to fire at the horrible French and anyone else from Europe that intends to set foot on our sacred shores.”

“I want to go down in history for leading a war on want - and have a monument erected to my loving memory by the common herd retards. Just like Winnie Churchill – but not for simply smoking lots of big cigars and buggering kids in orphanages – and definitely not like Tony Bliar – as a war criminal for invading Iraq and contaminating the whole sodding country with depleted uranium. And not like Gordon Brown either – as the only thing old Cyclops is going to be remembered for is proving the adage that in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. And he was for a while too – well, when Pete Scandalson let him have a turn at sitting on the throne.”

Conversely, Scabby Acrobati, director of the Liberty civil rights group, opined to the media that “In my mind Scameron’s little homily has sod all to do with Agincourt and this ‘wartime footing’ statement seems intent on stirring up a campaign of racial and sectarian violence directed at economic migrants from the EUSSR community who’ve come over to Britain to sign on at the Jobless Centre and scrounge off the welfare benefits system – as is their right under the skewed legislation that Brussels has burdened us with.”

“That’s one of the main attractions to these Eastern European pikey types – along with the fact we have so many communal parks and ponds full of carp and ducks and swans paddling around, just waiting to be poached and eaten.”
“But the problem here is that Austerity Dave doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that the will of the people is being purposely ignored by their political representatives – and for many perceptive minds this is indicative of one thing – the socio-political system, per se, is more fucked up than a tortoise on a tightrope.”

“Scameron’s unqualified arrogance is doing him another disservice as he treats the common herd voters who put him in office as a bunch of thick as pig-shit morons – and while this might be true for 90% of the population, the remaining 10% are educated and canny and know quite well what he’s attempting with this bid to neuter our right to front a legal opposition to some squirly government scheme – such as wind farms dotting the landscape – and having our monetary policy dictated by Baron Rothshite’s crime syndicate – and foreign policy by the Tory Party’s Edomite masters in Jerusalem.”

“That’s why Scameron’s been coerced into hiring this Aussie gobshite Lynton Crosby as his chief strategist – the Cabinet Nudge Unit’s answer to Alastair ‘Fuck the lot of yer’ Campbell – who is apparently one of London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense’s spin doctor cast offs.”
“Really, just what we need with the current state of affairs in the Middle East and Pakiland and Afghanistan – and any other Third World dump we’ve got our designs on for a spot of ‘humanitarian intervention’ military aggression – hiring a Muslim-bashing Islamophobic tosspot like Crosby – so it’s little wonder Britain’s about as popular as a Sufi leper at a bar mitzvah and getting crossed off the global Christmas card list.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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