Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Go-Getter Rats Take Over NHS Trust

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Surgical procedures at a Snottinghamshire hospital have been cancelled until further notice following the discovery of a colony of rats that had taken up residence behind the skirting boards in the NHS Trust’s Hamlet Ward operating theatres.

Dr Fellattia van der Gamm, director of the affected Harold Shipman Centre for Excellence in Health Care at Wanker's Hill informed one press hack from the Rat Catcher’s Gazette “We believe the rodent that got under surgical team’s feet during a routine protocolectomy this morning had actually entered the theatre during the night, attracted by the smell of a pack of half-eaten cheese and onion sandwiches dumped in the trashcan by one of our new Polish EU medical exchange interns - who was put off his eating lunch and threw up during his first haemorrhoid banding procedure that afternoon.”

"As soon as we became aware of the problem I expedited immediate action and called in the Scum-Gone cleaning contractors to give all the operating theatres their annual Yuletide scrub-down, even though two months early – along with summoning our local verminologist who successfully eradicated an infestation of Albanian pikey refugee squatters from the hospital basement car park back in 2011.”

“While we have apologised to patients who were inconvenienced due a total of 40 surgical procedures being postponed, we did emphasise that there was never any danger of the rats biting anyone as our porters claim they’re hand-fed tame and quite friendly.”

Certified ‘Verminologist’ Ron McScrote of Pied Piper Extermination Services, spoke to media hacks following his visit to tackle the problem and displayed a captured and caged family of 15 well nourished Rattus norvegicus (brown rats) specimens.
“Wot I should do wiv the little buggers by all rights is take ‘em down ter the canal an’ drown the lot. However the Paki bloke wot has the curry house up at Scumborough pays me £1 quid apiece fer ‘em, so profit comes first –an’ they make a very tasty Jalfrezi too.”

“I don’t see wot all the effin’ fuss is about wiv the hospital screamin’ blue murder over a few rats – which yer can expect ter get comin’ round when yer got blood an’ gore an’ all kinds of excised meaty body bits lyin’ around on the operatin’ theatre floors – lengths of intestine an’ big juicy tumours an’ the like.”
“Then yer got half these patients wiv MRSA an’ a variety of other necrotisin’ diseases, rottin’ away in bed – an’ there’s nowt yer crafty old rat likes better than a nibble of gangrenous flesh – wot’s a bit like us hangin’ game fer a few days ter enhance the flavour.”

“But Wankers Hill ain’t the only NHS Trust wiv a rat problem cos I got called out ter the Freddy Patel Institute fer Post Mortem Guessology down at Doggers Wood last week cos they had a pack of yer Rattus-Rattus – the old black rat – chompin’ away at corpses – specifically all the oldies wot the nursin’ staff had put on the Liverpool Care Pathway forced euthanasia regime, an’ snuffed it in the night an’ the porters hadn’t got round ter dumpin’ down the morgue.”

Thought for the day. Hmmm, whatever happened to our regimental, Matron-run spic and span ‘MRSA-free’ NHS hospitals of yesteryear? Alas, gone the way of the dodo due Tory PM John Major’s fatally-flawed PFI / quango ‘for profit’ schemes – a fubar system run by amateurs posing as professionals.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Fletch said...

That is a gross take on the NHS - but hilarious all the same. Another cornflakes-spitting first for my breakfast laugh-a-day.