Sunday, 25 November 2012

Scotland Plans Ginger Minger Census

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Alex ‘Three Chins’ Salmond’s Scottish Nonce Party is in a state of rapture that their independence referendum might just cop a big all-round ‘YES!’ vote and allow them to hog all the North Sea oil and negotiate their own EUSSR membership deal with the kleptocrats in Brussels.

To this end the moronic porridge-woggers’ ruling the SNP’s Holyrood cabinet have commissioned the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money to work in conjunction with the Department for What Can We Fuck With Next to get organised and go out of their way to display political maturity and challenge the Scottish reputation for being tight-fisted - by launching a spendthrift research study to determine how many people in Scotland carry the ancient Celtic red hair gene through recessive inheritance.

Och aye – you heard it correct - researchers attached to the ‘north of the border’ DNA project, now satisfied there is no genetic link between men in tartan skirts and highland sheep - are hell bent on discovering why creepy Caledonia is cursed with a 35% population count of ginger-mingers – possibly a total of 1:6 million temperamental red heads.

Hmmm, an all-out effort to expedite a census of the ranga types living north of Hadrian’s Wall that carry the MC1R receptor red-head variant eh – while homeless people sleep on the frigid streets of Glasgow and Edinburgh - the mind boggles.

Whereas these arseholes can’t be motivated by having their consciences poked with the sharp stick of morality – or a smack from the big justice staff – into lifting a finger to copy the English-Welsh example of tracking down kiddie fiddling perverts in their midst – and here the focus is on the Hollie Greig scandal serial rape and sexual abuse of special needs and disabled children by an Aberdeen-based paedo’ ring of the establishment’s Masonic worthies – along with their equally-guilty apologists and protectors in the Grampian Plod Squad and manning high judicial office at the COPFS.

Hector McScrote, spokesman for the Tartan Tadgers Party, opined to one press hack from the Caber Tossers Gazette that “For fuck’s sake, red hair genes my arse - why not waste the money on something useful – like painting the Forth Bridge again - or having a Killiwacky bird headcount - or start our own Operation Yewtree investigation to root some of these kiddie fiddlers out of the Crown Office and SLAB and return some modicum of respectability to Scottish government - as the Sassenachs look north and see just a den of self-serving graft and corruption since devolution took effect.”

“Now here’s a suggestion, which will doubtless go down like a lead balloon – how about we spend the money on a treadmill for our First Minister to lose a few pounds – as since he’s taken to wearing that barmy ‘I Beat Bulimia’ t-shirt he still looks to be a couple of steps away from a fatal coronary or stroke – or both.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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