Sunday, 25 November 2012

OFT Slams Payday Loan Sharks

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Office of Fair Trading and the debt charity Flat-Broke joined hands on Friday in condemning a legion of shifty shylock High Street payday loan companies that have sprung up like a crop of noxious alien weeds to seize opportunistic ‘disadvantage’ of the recession-generated negative financial climate that has manifested since casino trading-addicted rogue banksters crashed Broken Britain’s financial system in 2008.

As poverty-stricken readers will recall, this factor ushered in an era of mass unemployment, mortgage foreclosures, home repossessions and widespread penury amongst the ranks of the common herd – compounded by the fact the UK’s pathetic excuse for a Libservative Coalition government (that no fucker or their dog voted for) gained political office by default in 2010 and immediately set about slashing welfare benefits for everyone who didn’t meet their new Atosspots Wealthcare assessed statuary qualifying requirement of being an out-of-work quadriplegic blind-deaf-mute single parent with six disabled NEET kids.

A highly critical report has revealed how these pondscum money-lending outfits, which offer short- term instant loans with annual interest rates (APR) of up to a staggering 14,000 per cent, are leaving their hapless customers (read ‘victims’) juggling massive repayment debts and unable to afford the simple necessities of life – such as Sky Sports TV or their BlackBerry smart phone top-ups.

Ron Scrote, spokesman for the Flat-Broke debt charity, informed one gutter press hack from the red top Ripoffs Gazette that “These scumbag parasites are suckin’ the life’s blood out of our sink or swim council housin’ estate communities an’ rakin’ in massive profits from the frailties of the human condition. Wot they’re offerin’ now ain’t even payday loans set against a week’s wages or a month’s salary cos the people’s out of collar so it comes down ter an actual jobseeker’s allowance or child benefit or old age pension payback loan – an' yer don’t need ter have a degree in effin’ rocket science or Keynesian economics ter realise that 2 + 2 no longer adds up ter 4 when yer getting’ hit wiv 14,000% interest along wiv default penalties an’ late payment fees – cos wiv this type of gallopin’ inflation 2 + 2 needs ter equal 28,000.”

The OFT and Flat-Broke report found some dodgy lenders were actively encouraging customers to delay paying off their loans in a process called ‘rolling over’ wherein the hapless borrowers didn’t have to repay their original borrowing within the agreed time and rolled it over for another few weeks – which caused the debt to balloon to the size of the GNP of the People’s Marxist Utopia of China and incurred mega interest and late payment penalties.

One brain dead borrower with Slick-Quid — in the top five of Britain’s biggest lenders — who rolled over a £400 quid emergency drug deal loan the maximum of five times in a two month period after Customs seized his cocaine shipment from the Royal Mail postman, saw his debt swell to £4,286 - more than ten times the amount he’d originally signed in blood and pawned his immortal soul for.

Chlamydia McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three and resident of Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill ‘Hopeless Case Hamlets’ regeneration housing scheme, spoke to the media about her traumatic experience of dealing with the insta-cash ‘Give-the-Dog-a-Bone’ payday loans company.

“Since I dropped the last nipper me body’s gone all ter shit so I can’t go floggin’ me golly round Southern Cemetery at night like wot I used ter - an’ the bloke wot collects the rent an’ the milkman – an even that dirty old wanker of a window cleaner - sez they’re not settlin’ fer a quick table-ender shag or blow job anymore an’ want payin’ in cash fer wot’s owed an’ services rendered.”

“So ter make ends meet an’ afford the kid’s junk food an’ soft drinks I went ter that Wanger payday loans place wot advertise wiv the wrinklie puppets on the telly - but they told me ter fuck off. Anyway I goes round ter this Give-the-Dog-a-Bone loan shark place wot’s next ter the Usury Street synagogue an’ they let me have a couple of hundred nicker an’ kept agreein’ ter roll the original loan over - 36 times in total - wot run up interest an’ wot-have-yer penalties ter £17,500 quid.”

“Then the bully bastard boss of Give-the-Dog-a-Bone, this Shylock Shekelstein twat, starts ringin’ me up at all effin’ hours of the day an’ night an’ makin’ threats about setting fire ter me pet pitbull Gnasher an’ kidnapping me kids an’ sellin’ ‘em ter some Eastern European pikey sex slave ring."
"So I tell him ter go an’ fuck a pig then the next thing he sends a couple of his Renta-Thug Security Agency heavies round ter put the hard word on me an’ one of ‘em pokes me in the eye wiv a sharp stick while the other blags me livin’ room an’ nicks me Pound Stretcher collection of Premier League soccer player porcelain figurines as a stop gap payment.”

Commenting on Ms McSkanger’s negative payday loan experience, Flat-Broke’s Ron Scrote explained that “This is a Micawberish symptom of our fucked-up society wiv people livin’ beyond their means – along wiv this effin’ government’s failure ter ensure people’s got a job an’ gettin’ a minimum livin’ wage ter pay their way.”
“So the Edomite mafia’s come up wiv this flawed Malthusian concept of how ter keep milkin’ the cow without feedin’ the fuckin’ thing anymore – an’ this has resulted in a debtocracy-based crapitalist monetary system. An’ is our corruption-ridden government gonna do owt ter correct this problem? Are they fuck as like cos they’re funded, owned an’ controlled by the bankster crime syndicates.”

Though for the day. Hmmm, 99% of humanity are bipeds that operate according to the dictates of their stomachs and sex organs – and though endowed with the ‘spiritually divine’ facilities of logic and reason, still prefer the path of folly.

Hence the maxim of Hanlon’s Razor applies yet again: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Amen, here endeth today’s lesson.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Brendan Kenny said...

I get most of my loans through Sioux Falls title loans. I honestly do not consider them "loan sharks" the loan officer I work with has been nothing, but nice and appears to be looking out for my best interest. This is my third loan I am taking out and so far nothing but good. :)

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