Monday, 19 November 2012

Plod Crime Commissioner Ballot Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ed Millipede and his sore loser gang of New Labour opposition ne’er-do-well dipshits are making great industry of branding the first ever staged Plod Squad Crime Commissioner Election as the biggest Libservative Coalition fuckup since the last big fuckup.

The PCC ballot last Thursday resulted in a disastrous low turnout cum no-show by 90-odd percent of the common herd who couldn’t be arsed going off into the November cold to some draughty polling station and vote for a dildo they’d never heard of - due the lack of publicity informing them of what the fuck was actually going on – and the fact they’d never seen a plod on the beat in donkey’s years – thanks to the implementation of our CCTV-cursed panopticon surveillance society system.

New Labour's Wormhole Chukabutty, the incumbent MP for London’s Scallydale Hamlets, called the elections ‘ a shambolic pile of crap’, suggesting the £100 million quid cost would have been better spent by sending 3,000 plods off on a weekend break to the Balearics for a right old piss up.

Chlamydia Ffitch-Gargoyle, chairwoman of the Electoral Commission, informed one press hack from ‘Apathy Now!’ magazine that the ballot response was a concern for the future of democracy and they intended to critically question why Theresa May’s Home Office team had done so little to promote the PCC election campaign or even disseminate information of what it was all about.

“Really, this was such an overall clusterfuck that the people in Wales who did venture out to make an effort then questioned polling station staff as to whether it was a bi-election - or a general Parliamentary ballot had been called early due all the in-house brouhaha and disagreements over tuition fee hikes and public spending cuts - and the coalition splitting up.”

“Well seriously, you can’t blame people for adopting this kind of attitude as hanging around in anticipation for our not-fit-for-purpose Libservative Coalition to do something right – that the voters want – or they pledged in their election campaigns - is a bit like standing on Euston Station, freezing your bollocks off while waiting for Godot, who’s supposed to be arriving on a ‘scheduled delay’ Sardine Mainline’s train from Edinburgh sometime in the near future – though nobody in authority’s quite sure when.”

Conversely, Bev Titwank, spokeswoman for the Ox-Rat civil rights watchdog charity, opined to the media that the abysmal PCC election turnout was a concern for everyone who cared two hoots about abysmal turnouts.
“Well, wot the fuck do these twats expect – holdin’ an election in effin’ November when it’s brass monkey weather, cos the only thing yer senior citizens are likely ter turn out fer once the leaves are fallin’ is ter cash their Winter Fuel Allowance giro cheques at the Post Office. Any silly kunt an’ their dog knows yer hold an election when the weather’s nice – first week of May – not in the effin’ winter.”

“Then the next big mistake woz holdin’ the PCC ballot when there woz somethin’ good on the telly – like action replays of Strictly Come Dancin’ or ‘I’m a Celebrity – Get me the Fuck Outa Here’ – an’ the all-new Xbox 360 Call of Duty: ‘Kill Every Fuckin’ Muslim in the Gaza Strip’ II video game woz just released as well.”

“Our Ox-Rat e-mail box has bin chocker since Thursday wiv folks askin’ ‘WTF happened yesterday – was there a revolution?’ So we put a post up explainin’ the new Police Crime Commissioners will be endowed by the Home Office ter hire an’ fire these Renta-Thug PCSOs an’ Community Enforcement morons wot’s on an ego-trip an’ turn inter neighbourhood bullies wiv a little Hitler complex – along wiv life an’ death powers ter rip up such things as parkin’ tickets an’ summonses issued against their relatives an’ golfin’ mates.”

“Perhaps we might get a better response when makin’ complaints against the plods too – cos the Independent Police Coverups Commission’s a bunch of dog wankers. Then we can get twats like that Sgt Delboy Stinkie thug kunt wot bashed Angela Fisher in the kisser at the G20 protests prosecuted – an’ have the likes of that other homicidal maniac Simon Harwood shoved on trial fer murder fer killing Ian Tomlinson.”

For his part PM Posh Dave Scameron informed media hacks that the numbers were always going to be low when holding an election for the first time.
"It takes a while for it all to sink in and explain a new post to these thick comprehensive school retards we refer to as the public, if it’s not been shown on the telly commercials every half hour for weeks before – but I predict the voting numbers will be much higher next time round – in 2018.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Gilly said...

Brilliant skit - and adore the 'waiting for Godot' reference - very slick.