Dorries Tops National Dickhead Charts

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Cosa Nostra style thumbs ‘up or down’ decision on ‘Mad Nad’ Dorries' future as the Tory MP for Bolters has been deferred for a week following ‘up close and confidential’ discussions with the party's chief BD/SM consultant, Sir George ‘Mr Whippy’ Young.

Notorious around the House of Conmans for her stereotype Scouse delinquent behaviour and failure to engage brain prior to opening mouth, Dorries met with Sir George on Monday at his Chelsea-based offices located in Cheyne Walk’s prestigious Max Mosley Spankarama Centre, to explain why she skipped her duties and failed to attend vital Parliamentary debate and voting sessions to sod off ‘Down-Under’ and take part in a shit-for-brains reality TV show hosted by the moronic Geordie double-act Ant and Dick.

Dorries has recently returned to the UK after becoming the first person to get unanimously voted off ‘I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!’ by 6,000,000 viewers after she annoyed the living shit out of them – along with the other non-entity contestants - due her monotone whingearama about wanting to see Sally Bercow burned at the stake – and how Every-Ready make the best personal ‘Jolly Jackrabbit’ vibrator batteries that (like Dorries’ mouth) keep ‘going and going and going’ – to provide ‘orgasm after orgasm after orgasm’.

Following Mad Nad’s departure, Ant and Dick read out a selection of viewer’s critical e-mail comments and testy tweets which included “Dorries’ head is so far up her own arse it’s a wonder she can still breathe” – and “Talk about unqualified arrogance – but that’s always a problem when other people don’t share the same inflated opinion of your exalted person as you do” – along with “This Mensa reject’s got the IQ of a small potted plant” – followed by “The only thing worse than having a verbal diarrhoea skanger like Mad Nad on the show would have been that pair of dipshits Jedward – or the ego-stricken Bono” - and – “Is it compulsory to have a token obnoxious cunt on every instalment of this series?”

Conversely, Daily Puke columnist Mary Ann Bubblehead, a fellow female empowerment advocate, threw her two-penneth of support behind Mad Nad’s efforts and put her flamboyance and aberrant behaviour down to ‘a woman’s thing’ – specifically menopausal madness – the Thatcher years affliction that de-industrialised our once-sceptred isle, caused a three-pronged battlefront with unions, left Argentina without a battleship afloat and replaced Britain’s prefix of ‘Great’ with ‘Broken’.

“Nad’s one of us and a great source of ‘blonde moment’ irritation to that super-snob Scameron and Speaker John Bercow. Really, she’s a real thorn in Posh Dave’s side, which keeps him on his toes. And who can blame her, taking a few mid-life crisis weeks off to go and rough it in the jungle on bush tucker – eating crocodile’s willies and koala snot and sucking the shit out of a cassowary’s sphincter – and all sorts of horrid things like that – just grabbing her chance to play at Tarzan and Jane.”

However, George Young and threats of martinet discipline besides, Dorries insists she was given permission to take her Parliamentary break by the former chief whip Andrew Mitchell before he managed to single-handedly turn the entire British Plod Squad against the Tory Party by referring to their collective number as a bunch of useless tossers who need to learn who’s running the country and get into the habit of doffing their caps and opening gates for their social betters.

Yet the credibility-impaired Mitchell, now proven in a court of public opinion to be a serial liar, claims Mad Nad never mentioned anything about jetting off to Oz for a month to appear in some reality TV show, and yesterday informed press hacks that “The pleb bitch told me she was going to stay with Natty Rothshite at the family’s crime syndicate villa in Corfu and chat up Lord Peter Scandalson and his Russian exile oligarch buddies to back another of her bonkers socio-political ‘sensible shoes’ or anti-abortion schemes and get herself nominated for a do-gooder peerage.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references along with lashings of cynicism and bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.