Wednesday, 21 November 2012

QE2 Marks 65th with Right Royal Piss Up

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Queen Lizzie Mk II (call me Brenda) has become the first British monarch to reach a 65th ‘blue sapphire’ wedding anniversary - so congratulations to Mrs Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gl├╝cksburg-McWindsor (no shit, how does that moniker fit on her bus pass?) and (begrudgingly) His Royal Rudeness, Prince Stavros of Edinburgh.

Apparently Brenda and Stavros have no Viagra-fuelled ‘second honeymoon’ sex romps planned for the evening and will spend their anniversary privately together at Buckingham Palace, putting on a cold buffet supper of roast black swan and baby grey whale fillets, to be attended by the bat-eared Dobby, Prince of Wales and his chain-smoking troll of a consort, Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole; their influence-peddling middle son Andy and his harpy, piranha-fanged daughters Beatrice and Eugenie – along with the fudging Mensa reject Edward, Earl of Weetabix – and his gobshite, money-grubbing slapper spouse, Sophie.

While the official record of their first meeting is more at bullshit than substance, Brenda initially bumped into Stavros at Kosta’s kebab shop in Windsor High Street one evening back in 1945 as he was buying supper for Uncle Dickie Mountbatten – and on orders from the Brotherhood of the Snake’s eugenics committee, to maintain the regal blue blood mongrel DNA line, got hitched in November, 1947 at Westminster Abbey, where Wills and Katie Middleclass were wed to much public clamour in 2011.

The anniversary comes in the same year as the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, which was marked with an extra bank holiday to pacify the common herd and lots of ostentatious, wastrel celebrations paid for out of public funds.

Prince Stavros, now 91, was forced to miss some key events during the Jubilee special bank holiday weekend in June – such as the Gordonstoun Annual Buggery event - after being hospitalised at London’s Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence with a recurrence of his chronic clap infection, and almost didn’t make the 65th anniversary due being mistakenly put on the Liverpool Care Pathway 'mortuary route' by a non-English speaking Albanian pikey trainee nurse assigned to the VIP / celebrity ‘Jim’ll Fix It Ward’.

Nurse Slagella Ratnovik mistook Virus Man for yet another of the common herd’s legion of useless eater pension cadgers well past his retirement use-by date – and following standard NHS instructions promptly hung a ‘nil by mouth’ / ‘do not resuscitate’ sign around his scrawny neck.
Luckily Stavros’ SO14 personal close-in security detail returned from the pub before closing time and administered a life-saving injection of ouzo – then stuck the offending nurse in a big black North Face holdall and dropped her in the deep end of the Thames.

Stop press: Buck’s Palace had denied phone hacking rumours appearing in this morning’s gutter press Tit Ogler’s Gazette that Stavros sent a text to Prince Andrew stating “Now Sir Jimmy’s out of the picture, along with his little ladies – and all those Welsh orphan cub scout types with the cute pink bums he used to bring along - see if one of your Arab mates in Chelsea can loan us a few of their harem’s young suck and swallow sluts or catamites for tonight’s hanky panky festivities down in the dungeons after your Mum’s gone off to bed.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That is a dowser. Prince Stavros. Prince Dobby. Gorgonzilla. If ur not writing scripts for TV you should be.
These skits should be published.