Parliamentary Tealeaf Escapes Justice

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Margaret Moron, the New Labour Party’s disgraced former MP for Sleazeborough-on-Sea, who cheated the taxpayer out of £53,000 quid in the worst case of blatant embezzlement to emerge from the House of Conmans dodgy expenses scandal since the last worse case, was found guilty of 21 counts of fraud by a jury at Southwark Crown Court on Tuesday – but will escape any form of punishment as she was too depressed to stand trial following an attack of Dutch Elm Disease.

Moron was not required to appear in court nor even enter a plea to the fifteen charges of bogus accounting and six of using false information after a sympathetic judge took pity and ruled her ‘post-menstrual depressive disorder’ meant she was unable to field a robust defence on her own behalf of obtaining a pecuniary advantage by deception.

Despite the damning verdict by the jury that found the 57-year-old Moron guilty of submitting fraudulent claims of £60,000 between April 2004 and August 2008 – more than double that of any of the other four money-grubbing MPs who were prosecuted for a variety of expense frauds (and went directly to jail without passing ‘Go’ or collecting £200 nicker) - of which she received £53,000 nicker - Judge Dinsdale Moron (no relation) ruled that as the disgraced ex-MP was not feeling well, then she could keep the money and even avoid the stigma of a criminal record.

Que? WTF? Not feeling well? Of course she’s depressed and suffering anxiety attacks – who wouldn’t be shitting kittens over the likelihood of copping a massive fine and a couple of years custodial jail time, locked in a cell with a bodybuilding butch dyke – (whose misuse of steroids has equipped her with nipples like coffin nails and a six inch clitoris) - if they’re charged with larceny and the embezzlement of £53,000 quid in public funds.

Moron is the fifth MP to face criminal proceedings since the expenses scandal broke four years ago, due reasons of what her defence lawyer maintained was an inability to make financial ends meet and thus ‘tweaking’ parliamentary allowance claims to supplement her pittance of a mere basic £64,766 per annum Parliamentary salary.

Last night, anti-sleaze campaigners reacted with gob-smacked astonishment and cries of “Foul!” at the news that Moron had played the ‘zero accountability card’ and would not be jailed or even fined – or slapped with a probation order – nor was any judgement handed down by the bench to execute legal action to seize assets and bank accounts and reimburse the public purse for the mega-bucks amount embezzled.

Bev Titwank, spokeswoman for the Twat-Watch government abuse monitor charity, opined to one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that “Apart from this scumbag slut claimin’ £53,000 quid wot she wasn’t entitled to - that we know about ter date – she also submitted a stack of bogus invoices fer more than £22,000 fer goods an’ services wot never existed.”

“This is the problem wiv our so-called ‘Untouchable’ House of Conmans representatives – not one of ‘em is a representative model of moral rectitude – an’ Margaret Moron is yet another batshit New Labour frog wot dreamed of bein’ a toad.”
“Fer fuck’s sake, wot is it wiv this over-privileged elitist fraternity an’ their absurd sense of entitlement – the effin’ Royals an’ this political-bureaucratic sector of our society wot uses far more than they needs ter live at a higher standard than them they’re stealing from? I mean ter say, is there such a term as ‘Enough’ in their lexicon – or just the word ‘More!’?”

Thought for the day. Hmmm, if chronic depression now represents a bona fide Get Out of Jail Free card for erring Parliamentarian scumbags with a felonious bent, then something in our judicial system is more fucked up than usual – and if any case was ever crying out for a judicial review, it’s this one.

So fuck the Judge and his unqualified opinions – get Atos Wealthcare on the case to evaluate Moron’s medical state – they’re the PFI / quango experts on determining that unemployed quadriplegics are fit for work as scaffolders and window cleaners. No fucking around or pulling the wool over the eyes of that set of fascist, martinet bastards.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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