Wednesday 24 August 2011

Designer Vaginas - Your ‘New Look’ Pussy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Now here’s one for all the girls preparing to go on their summer vacations, who gritted their while submitting to a thorough Brazilian pube-rip waxing, and are now stood in front of the dressing mirror anxiously pondering their all-too pronounced camel toe profiles, visible through a skimpy Lycra bikini bottom.

So, ladies, if any of you are sick and tired of your boyfriends or hubbies calling you ‘bucket cunt’ or referring to your labial folds as ‘beef curtains’, then why not go for this season’s ‘must have’ fashion accessory – your very own ‘designer vagina’.

A report just released by the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology claims that the NHS is being bombarded by women seeking genital cosmetic surgery to address and correct cases of significant labial asymmetry

While family GPs might refer patients with pissflaps like the Lone Ranger’s saddle bags to NHS consultants, if the desired labial reduction (twatopsy) is for aesthetic reasons alone then the patient has no option but resort to financing their own surgery through a private clinic.

Smegmadale-on-Sea’s prestigious and celebrity-patronised ‘Betty Beaver’s Cunt Care Clinic’ offer a wide (sic) range of vulval surgical procedures to create the perfect ‘designer snatch’ – with costs starting from £1,500 quid for a simple one-lip trim labiaplasty - to £3,500 for hymen repair or ‘re-virgination’ for promiscuous brides-to-be; to £5,000 nicker for the full vaginal rejuvenation or ‘twat tightening’ - (a favourite with jet-setting sluts with a quim like a horse’s collar).

Harley Street gynaecologist Dr Fellattia Trollenberg spoke on the subject to a press hack from the Minge Eaters Gazette. “Really, the amount of women now seeking corrective vulval surgery for cosmetic reasons is epidemic, which I personally put down to the glut of pornography being viewed on Sky’s Filth Channel and the internet – with these porn’ stars and their perfect ‘kissable’ pouting Cupid lips pussies just dying to be muffed.”

“The majority of females referred to me have quite normally-formed labia minora – unless their moronic sex partners have been sucking on one side only – so hence they have to fund their own ‘designer pussy’ surgery procedures. However, in cases where a poor woman is unable to ride her bike due her labia getting trapped between her thighs and the seat, then I automatically approve NHS-funded surgery.”

One of Dr Trollenberg’s patients, Ms Candida McSkanger, a 17-year old mother of three from Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, related “Me minge woz so slack after years of fistin’ wiv me lesbo mates at school - then droppin’ three sprogs – that all me boyfriend wanted ter do woz shag me up the arse - wot left me effin’ constipated fer days after. Anyways, the doctor recommended me fer a full pussy overhaul an’ I got me vagina re-sleeved on the NHS – now it’s like a mouse’s ear.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14627659

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