Bercow Hypocrisy viz Fig Tree Expense

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The House of Conmans’ Committee for Wasting Time & Money are investigating alternative funding arrangements for twelve fig trees decorating the atrium of Portcullis House which have drained the taxpayers’ purse of £400,000 quid paid out in maintenance fees to Ripoff Gardening Services over the 12 years the MPs' offices have been sited in the building.

Spitting the dummy in a fit of hypocritical pique, House Speaker John Bercow informed a press hack from the Spendthrifts Gazette that he was horrified to learn about the exorbitant costs of £30,000 a year for watering the plants since MPs moved there in 2001.
The biscuit-bearing fig trees were intended to provide shade in the atrium which MPs utilise to hold meetings with constituents and other visitors - such as the Met's Fraud Squad.

“What a crock of crap – the effin’ public are going ter go apeshit if they ever find out they’re getting’ fleeced – payin’ all this bloody money out fer these tree so MPs can wander past with a cup of coffee an’ reach up ter pick a couple of fig biscuits. I’ll bet we could get a couple of ginger nut trees or the jaffa cake ones fer the same price.”

Parliamentary snitches claim the Committee for Wasting Time & Money, chaired by the Speaker, met on Monday night and demanded alternative funding arrangements - Westminster speak for a cheaper gardener.

Conversely, Ms Candida Mingerot, the New Labour MP for Upper Shitcreek, issued a stream of rabid rebukes, branding Bercow a total hypocrite. “What is the Speaker’s problem with our fig biscuit trees in the Portcullis House atrium, might I ask? There was no mention of taxpayers’ money being squandered when he blew £20,000-plus quid on the unnecessary redecoration and refurbishment of the Speaker's grace and favour apartment in the Palace of Westminster, buying a large television and a DVD player – all paid for out of the public purse – along with the £37,000 nicker wasted his ostentatious portrait and that ego-boosting heraldic coat of arms.”

Last November, when the bumptious Bercow unveiled his official coat of arms - dominated by a ladder to represent his climb to the top from the political gutter of peasant society - with a rainbow and pink triangles marking his support for rug-munching dykes, fudge-packing poofters and cross-dressing weirdoes - a veritable tide of condemnation hit the Parliamentary Standards Committee from value for money campaigners and the Tax Payers’ Alliance, who rightly claimed the joint expenditures were obscenely excessive at a time of public sector austerity and only aimed at boosting John ‘Viagra Man’ Bercow’s lack of self-esteem.

Bercow revealed his new official ‘vanity’ portrait by British artist Banksy - depicting him rising from his Speaker's chair to scratch his arse - together with the official coat of arms, which sits in the portrait’s frame, dominated by a ladder, four roundels and two curved seax knives.

The ladder apparently represents Bercow’s ascent from humble beginnings, as the only son of an Edgware pikey family (whose father was arrested for swan poaching on the local canal during the Christmas of 1972) - with the roundels signifying his obsession with playing pocket billiards in public – and the seax knives, traditionally worn by Saxon warriors 1,000 years ago, represent Bercow’s defence against the annoying demands of his super-slapper blonde moment missus Sally ‘Piranha Teeth’ Bercow.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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