Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Gov’ Equalities Minister Disses God & Bible

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The ultra-moronic Libservative Coalition’s Equalities Minister Lynne ‘Pelican Features’ Featherbrian – another frog who dreams of becoming a toad - has, with brazen hubris aforethought, put herself above God and the guidestone moral principles of the Bible to declare for the public record that the Church is wrong - and in her unqualified opinion it will be a good thing for society if same sex couples get married and raise a family. Que? WTF?

Conversely, in response to this blasphemy, the former Archbishop of Canterbury and head of the Church of England, Lord George Carey, a critic of plans to legalise gay marriage, accused Ms Featherbrain of putting an "unwarranted slant" on a statement he issued months previously, informing one press hack from the Profanity Gazette “And from where might we inquire does Parliament’s favourite self-promoting little ‘Miss Progesterex’ draw her egoistic arrogant opinion that God, the Bible - and too the Church - are wrong and she is right?”

“Ms Featherbrain needs to take a good look at the Bible – specifically the Old Testament’s Book of Leviticus which states quite clearly that God hates poofs – whom He, in His omnipotent wisdom, terms without a shred of ambiguity – as ‘abominations’ – and regardless of what all these infidel rug-munchers and heathen sodomites - and atheists – and Ms Featherbrain – might think, I’m not inclined to go against the Boss’s word on this one.”

Scum-Watch reader might recall that Lord Carey wrote to the Homophobes Review that he personally was baffled by Posh Dave Scameron’s moronic statement at the 2011 Conservative Party conference, in which he declared: ''I don't support gay marriage in spite of being a Conservative - I support gay marriage because I went to public school and am a Conservative.''

In his article Carey stated ''Like many others who reply on common sense and logic to direct my though processes I was totally perplexed by that element of Scameron’s speech. Not because I begrudge his experience of playing the beast with two back while he was at Eton – for I myself spent years in a male-only seminary - but due the fact this Government's proposal to legalised same sex civil marriages constitutes one of the venal and corrupt political power grabs in the history of our once-sceptred isle. We in the Church of England do not own the institution of marriage – and by this same rule neither does the government.''

''The honourable estate of matrimony precedes both the state and the church, and neither of these institutions have the right to redefine it in such a fundamental way. So, in the event of a divorce or annulment of these ‘unholy wedlock’ civil ceremonies, what factors will apply? That the so-called marriage was never consummated – or one party has been denying the other their conjugal rights?

“Ms Featherbrain’s promotion of this issue does not bode well for the government as we all recall only too well the brouhaha she caused – and the accompanying raucous laughter – as the Opposition MP who, back in 2006, was so retarded as to raise questions on the floor of the House of Conmans concerning New Labour’s intentions regarding the regulation of the non-existent date rape drug, Progesterex.”

“Hence she needs to engage brain prior to opening mouth lest she puts her proverbial foot in it again concerning her lack of knowledge regarding the intricacies – both secular and sectarian – of the same-sex marriage controversy – for such presents an act of cultural and theological vandalism and personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”

However, jumping into the foray with both feet and in defence of Featherbrain, the Gay Rights campaigner Miss Peter ‘Call me Beverly’ Tatchell told the BBC’s ‘Fudgers Hour’ programme that ''The Coalition for Marriage is intolerant and out of touch and its support for the ban on gay marriage is homophobic and discrimination regardless of them collecting 36,000 support signatures on a petition in four days.”

“Really, why shouldn’t poofters and lesbo dykes be allowed to get married and have a legally-binding union – and the likes of the Church and Lord Carey shouldn’t set out to polarise marriage by saying it’s only right for a man and women to marry and sinful in the eyes of God for a bloke to marry his best mate – or a woman her closest girlfriend."

Ms Featherbrain, the incumbent Lib-Dum MP for Doggers Wood, also on the programme, announced "I want to challenge Lord Carey’s view and that of his fellow stick-in-the-mud traditionalists. It is the government's fundamental job to reflect society and to shape the future, not stay silent where it has the power to act and change things for the better – which is precisely the purpose of next month’s public consultation on legalising gay marriage.”

“This debate about same-sex marriages should not represent a battle between gay rights and religious beliefs. This is about the underlying principles of family, society - and especially personal freedoms so if a same sex couple wish to sodomise each other to consummate their civil union – or shag each other’s brains out with a strapon dildo – then that is their right.”

On a closing note to the BBC’s programme, Biffo McFagg, chief exec’ of the gay, lesbian and bisexual charity Iron Hoof, said: "Our strong advice to these weirdoes and queer folk who disagree with same-sex marriage is go and get married to someone of the opposite sex if that’s what turns you on."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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