Home Office Plans ASBO Scally Cull

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Home Secretary Theresa May, the incumbent Tory MP for Royal Snobshire’s Knobhead constituency, today informed press hacks that in spite of New Labour’s deriding objections and sarcastic remarks she’s sticking to her guns concerning the controversial proposal to establish a community trigger aimed at preventing victims having to report the same anti-social behaviour problems to their local slack-arsed Plod Squad every day of the week and never seeing remedial actions materialise.

Under May’s ‘Grass-a-Scally’ scheme, police will finally be forced to deal with anti-social behaviour if five households in one area register complaints concerning the unacceptable conduct of delinquent residents - or gangs of hooded yobsters, devoid of morals and ethics, invading the neighbourhoods of polite society on rape and pillage missions.
“There’ll be no more pussy-footing around with these hooligans – or ‘oicksters' as our London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense refers to their ilk. The handcuffs will be on and they’ll be up before a magistrate the same day and sentenced to a good slap on the wrist and made to stand in the corner for two hours – without an iPod or smart phone.”

Conversely, New Labour dismissed Ms May’s proposals, which will only apply to England and Wales, as being more at scent than substance.
Shadow Home Office minister Fellattia van der Gamm, the Labour MP for Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill constituency, opined to the media “If some fucker or their dog from around my neck of the woods goes down the Cop Shop and complains about a bunch of Asbo yobster types causing trouble, then the plods are too shit scared to go out and tackle them - and call up NATO HQ in Brussels requesting a drone strike.”

“Well, let’s hope she does a better job with this issue than her shambolic Borders Agency immigration clusterfuck in 2011, for which she tried to shirk responsibility and toss the blame onto Brodie Clark. And we’re all aware that resulted in a snafu which allowed thousands of Albanian swan roasters, Romanian pikey human traffickers, Russian mafia hit men and two regiments of Al Qaeda’s Jolly Jihadi terrorists to sneak into Broken Britain through our once-sceptred isle’s premier Thiefrow Airport gateway – and get stamped with multi-entry visas.”

May’s announcement of an anti-social behaviour crackdown follows the hue and cry which resulted from a Smegmadale-on-Sea based gay female who killed herself and her disabled lesbian partner after being victims of a sustained campaign of harassment by a gang of hooded scrotes.

Candida Muffrot had complained to police on 33 different occasions concerning the violent attacks she and 18-year-old Mingeeter Dildodo had been subjected to, including having their house pelted with condoms filled with jism and mayonnaise – and their letter box used as a urinal – before embarking on their lemming-like lovers suicide pact, hurling themselves off the cliffs at Beachy Head while sat in Mingeeter’s wheelchair.

In this particular case the Independent Police Coverups Commission found that the couple’s local Plod Squad had failed to take ‘robust action’ to remedy the vandalism and torment problem – which diligent media digging revealed was actually due a covert ‘risk aversion’ pact agreed by officers who maintained it wasn’t in their job descriptions to go up against a bunch of well-armed scallies.

Celebrity stalking victim Feral Beryl McSkanger, a 17-year old mother of three and the 42 DD busty Winner of Channel 4’s Super Slag 2011 ‘Miss Titwank’ competition, recalled for media hacks her personal experience with a gang of teenage yobsters hounding her each time she ventured out in public – shouting “Let’s see yer boobs!” and demanding blow jobs.

“The effin’ plods were useless when I complained, so I took matters inter me own hands an’ duffed the ringleader. So I ends up in effin’ court fer GBH and cops fer a suspended sentence an’ the twat I crippled gets £25,000 quid in effin’ personal injury compo cos I kicked him in the knackers wiv me steel toe-capped Doc Martens on.”
“Now here’s me all effin’ traumatised an’ havin’ ter lug a can of pepper spray an’ a 50,000 volt taser round in me handbag fer me own protection. Believe me, I don’t even go down the local shops fer a pack of vibrator batteries wivout a chiv up me sleeve an’ a fuckin’ baseball bat handy.”

However Secretary May’s Grass-a-Scally / five complaints scheme is set to be initiated this summer – just in time for the Royal Jubilee and Olympics – which, utilising Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society principles, is projected to sign up a veritable legion of volunteer PCSO’s and Community Enforcement Officers – a move New Labour critics again lambasted as fielding a bunch of uniform fetishists and officious little fascists seconded from Renta-Moron – with the PCSO contingents being no better rated and described as six foot dildos in blue livery and a hi-viz Toys-R-Us stabvest.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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