Plods Praise Manc’s Bus Attackers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Greater Manchester Plod Squad's WPC Bev Titwank, spoke with one press hack from the Daily Shitraker yesterday following the appearance of some twenty youths at the city’s Central Magistrate’s Court to face criminal charges of vandalism and affray arising from their part in an attack on a double decker bus travelling along Salford’s Asbo Way last Saturday evening – in which a mix of snowballs, bricks and Pestco’s Finest ‘Meths Breezer’ bottles where thrown, smashing several windows and leaving passengers traumatised.

“We woz all sat around on our arses, watchin’ the telly with sweet fuck all ter do when ‘voila!’ this little lot kicks off on a No 69 bus. Well, yer can’t blame the kids can yer, really. They get so effin’ bored an’ cheesed off now Posh Dave Scameron’s government have put the block on local government fundin’ an’ the council’s closed all the youth clubs as part of their austerity measures.”

“Anyways, after we gets the complaint over the phone, Sergeant Ratstamper logs on ter the central surveillance system an’ brings up the footage of a gang of scrotes lobbing all kinds of shit at the bus on Asbo Way, opposite Doggers Wood – so he kept a watch on their movements an’ off we set all mob handed in the meat wagon ter round the fuckers up – an’ give our newby PCSOs a chance ter get some taser practice in.”

The 16-year old leader of the notorious Yobsters Gang, Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher - whose extensive record of anti-social activities has been blamed on the fact he’s the youngest child of a dysfunctional family of pikey squatters with more children than the nursery rhyme old woman who lived in a shoe - informed the court he was personally responsible for instigating the bus attack, which apparently started out as a bit of fun then got out of hand when one of the hooded gang members threw a petrol bomb.

WPC Titwank concluded “In my opinion, I just wish a lot more of our crims an’ scallies could be this considerate – getting’ their mugs on CCTV in the pub, then again at Bargain Booze, then outside the McDonald’s chew an’ spew on Cross Lane and once more by the bus’s on-board image recordin’ system.”

“Really, it makes our job a lot easier identifyin' the villains an' gettin’ the Crown Prosecution Service ter take them ter court – an’ secure a conviction wiv genuine hard evidence an’ not the usual type of plantin’ frame-up evidence wot we resort ter an’ justify our existence.”

Hazel ‘Two Tellys’ Blears, New Labour’s ginger-mingin MP for the Salford and Eccles Cakes constituency, opined to media reporters outside the House of Conmans “Since the days of the Victorian Scuttler gangs the city’s always prided itself on having a better class of scally than the rest of the country – thugs and hooligans who don’t mind owning up to their vandalism and senseless violence and take the punishment meted out to them – whether it’s a case of mass murder or arson – or simply stoning one of Highway Robbery’s double decker buses.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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