Monday, 13 February 2012

Now Official: World Gone Mad

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The BBC announced this morning that a state of war now exists between Broken Britain’s north-west cities of Liverpool and Manchester following the Premier League soccer match at Old Trafford where Man’ U’ played Scouseland on Saturday in which Liverpool’s ultra-racist Uruguayan player Luis Suarez refused to shake the hand of the permanently sun-tanned French-Senegalese left-back Patrice Evra following last October’s spat when Suarez – a bloke displaying an obvious tarbrush mix of mongrel genes himself - was banned for 8 games for calling Evra a ‘Nignog'.

Even worse, New Labour leader Ed Millipede is, according to the red top gutter press tabloids, a non-entity following a spot survey in which his photo was displayed around the UK’s city streets to see if people recognised him.

While photos of ex-leader Tony Bliar drew unanimous comments of “That’s the cunt wot caused the Iraq war an’ had David Kelly murdered” – and a pic’ of Gordon Brown elicited “He’s the Scots twat that broke Britain” - alas, the collective reply for a Millipede i/d was one of “Who he?”- with several remarks of “That’s the new Dr Who” and “Is he the Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit?”

A probationary Plod Squad officer from Sussex Police who has not been named (PSCO Shiny Buttons of 54, Knobhead Terraces) was monitoring an area of the Scroteford-on-Sea market town hit by a series of burglaries – and as he searched for suspects, the CCTV camera operator radioed that he had seen someone acting suspiciously in the area.

The operator directed the officer, who was on foot patrol, as he followed the suspect via the CCTV control room screens - telling his colleague on the ground that he was hot on the scally’s heels – a pantomime that went on for half an hour until one bright spark of a Sergeant walked into the CCTV room and cottoned on to the supremely moronic fact that the PSCO was chasing himself.
And the public at large are supposed to sleep easy in their beds of a night, confident that the national Plod Squads have their finger on the pulse? No shit, why should England tremble?

The American-Indian Oglala Sioux tribe on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota are suing beer-brewers Anheuser-Busch InBev Worldwide, SAB Miller, Molson Coors Brewing Company and Pabst Brewing Company for the tidy sum of US $500 million bucks to fund healthcare, social services and child rehabilitation – for turning the entire tribe into a bunch of alcoholics.

Tribal President, Chief Big Bird, dressed in his ceremonial yellow feather costume and a Sesame Street baseball cap, informed one press hack from the Pissheads Gazette that “The sale of alcohol is banned on the reservation so our people head off to the nearby town of Shiteclay which has four Bargain Booze and Thresher outlets that sold over five million cans of beer in 2011 despite having only a dozen residents. Hence these stores are guilty of selling firewater to Indians.”

Meanwhile, still on the litigation-madness trail in the good ole US of A, a pod of five killer whales have been named as plaintiffs in a lawsuit which argues they deserve the same constitutional protection from slavery as humans.

A US judge is considering a complaint filed by Gladys Bonkers, director of the Equal Rights for Fish charity against SeaWorld. Ms Bonkers named the five wild-captured orca plaintiffs as Genghis and Gnasher, at SeaWorld Orlando; and Katfood, Codhead, and Useless, at SeaWorld San Diego.

However, a Constitutional 13th Amendment ruling in favour might prove a big negative for Genghis who, with premeditated malice aforethought, drowned his trainer before horrified spectators two years ago prompting a ban on the Florida park's employees entering the water to perform tricks with the orcas.

Hence if Judge Sheldon Scattstein, currently hearing the legal arguments that animals should enjoy the same constitutional rights as humans, decides in their favour, then Genghis would automatically be liable for arrest on a charge of first degree murder.

Swansea University in South Wales, inundated with students from across the Third World, has caused a discrimination brouhaha by sticking up posters around the uni’ campus instructing people on how to use the toilet properly.

The offending poster images display a drawing of someone standing on a toilet seat with a red cross on their ass and another with a figure sitting correctly with a green tick.
The posters further ask students who lack the brains to shit straight to ensure used toilet roll is dumped down the toilet and not folded neatly for the next user – and to make sure the bog is flushed.

Student Union spokeswoman Bev Titwank told press hacks “The posters are there to help address cultural differences cos we have a multi-cultural campus community and in some of the Third World crap heaps these morons come from then people are in the habit of pissing and shitting anywhere – even while they’re standing up and walking down the street.”
“Hence things were getting pretty messy in our campus toilets – especially as these darkie types seem to be stricken with 24/7 ballistic diarrhoea from all the curry and other puke they eat.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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