Ripoff Rail Board Bonuses Under Fire

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

New Labour politicians are urging Libservative Coalition cabinet ministers to block alpinesque six-figure bonuses for Ripoff Rail bosses, insisting PM Cabbage Patch Dave has the ‘written approval’ veto power to prevent such exorbitant payouts to an industry that still relies on government subsidies to boost their already bloated profits from over-priced ticketing.

In response, the transport secretary and Tory MP for Slutney, Ms Justine Greenthing, informed press hacks she would consider voting against a dodgy Masonic brotherhood scheme to give Notwork Rail chief executive Sir David Piggins an obscene £340,000 quid performance bonus for basically doing sweet fuck all – claiming he only deserved half that amount.

Rattle-Track, which owns most of the rail network infrastructure in Britain, is rumoured to be mulling plans to reduce annual bonuses to a maximum of 60% of annual salary but will allow longer term bonuses of up to 500% after five years.

However, Greenthing has attempted to fob off critics by claiming the management incentive plan being proposed doesn’t reply solely on taxpayer-funded subsidies – and the government will nominate someone to sit on Ripoff Rail's remuneration committee before it makes its final decision in the spring - whereas Sir Wormhole Chuckabutty, the head of accounting at the Department for Transport was unable to explain the difference between the two dodgy schemes, stating for the public record “It’s all bloody Chinese to me.”

Conversely, Shadow Transport Secretary Maria Harpy announced that one DfT whistleblower had leaked documents to the Grassers Gazette that a requirement existed for the DfT to give written approval to any payment and that it could nominate a representative to sit on the five-person remuneration committee.

Harpy informed reporters that “Ms Greening’s more full of shit than a Christmas goose when falsely claiming she cannot block these bonuses. Not only does the secretary of state have a place on Notwork Rail's remuneration committee, but we now know that she must also give prior written agreement to any change to the incentive scheme for these already-overpaid rail exec’s who are into Broken Britain’s taxpayers for £4 billion nicker a year in subsidies. Good grief, their pay packets and so-called performance bonuses are that huge we have extreme sports enthusiasts queuing up to use them as platforms for BASE jumping.”

A conclave of twenty MPs have signed a House of Conmans motion stating that Ripoff Rail, Rattle-Track, First Crapita, Notwork Rail and Sardine Mainline have been found by the Office of Rail Regulation to be in breach of their licences and responsible for major asset failures, congested routes and poor management of track condition.

Rattle-Track also faces prosecution over the 2007 Graypigg train crash in Crumbria in which one passenger died and dozens of others shit kittens and succumbed to the trauma of ballistic diarrhoea attacks.
This followed on the heels of the 2003 collapse of Practical Pig Rail, caused by the catastrophic Baconsfield derailment in which hundreds were crushed to death and drowned inside the overcrowded carriages when the entire train tumbled down a 60 foot embankment and ended up in the River Hogg at Tamworth.

Stop press: (drop the dead donkey) Notwork Rail chief executive Sir David Piggins has today announced he is submitting to political pressure rather than conscience and will not accept his allotted £340,000 quid performance bonus at the close of the fiscal year in April – informing reporters “Hey, no shit, with this prevailing climate of anti-business hysteria I don’t want to end up like the Royal Bank of Scumland’s Slimy Simon Hester – or that other twat Fred Goodwin – stripped of me knighthood and topping the hate list of every fucker and their dog from Lichtenstein to Lerwick.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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