Sunday, 5 February 2012

Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As Prince William, Broken Britain’s perhaps future King – (if his Granny ever kicks the bucket and Chazzer the bonkers Plant Whisperer waives his right to the crown) - hovers over Goose Green in his chopper – geared up with hi-tech fire power and hot to trot - fully prepared for a bit of a Mexican standoff style ‘argy-bargy’ with Buenos Aires’ neo-colonial militarists – the lad’s probably totally unaware of the near-constitutional crisis caused by the forced exile of Topless Titty real ale from Parliament’s House of Conmans ‘Wankers Bar - or that the early daffodil crops have frozen solid overnight due the delayed snows of winter which struck with a vengeance on Saturday afternoon – flash-freezing thousands of pensioners to their Zimmer frames – and forming insta-ice sculptures of die-hard football hooligans in exposed soccer pitch stands.

To cope with the afore-mentioned problem (the snow and ice – not the Argies) the AA have come up with a pantomime list of ‘sensible shoes’ requirements for motorists to carry in the trunk of their cars in the event they throw common sense to the vagaries of the four winds and venture out on a Titus Oates style self-harming suicide mission - driving to their nearest Greedy Grocers for a pint of milk and a packet of rich tea biscuits.

Topping the AA’s ‘must have’ list is a shovel and a sack of rock salt, followed by a pair of snow shoes (or recycled tennis rackets), woolly gloves and a beanie - plus an extra fleece – along with a flashlight, Gaz stove, pots and pans, packs of noodles, a carton of biltong, a sled and team of huskies – plus copies of ‘Igloo Building for Dummies’ – ‘Making Friends With Hungry Polar Bears’ - ‘The Five Minute Penguin Buffet’ – and ‘How to Amputate Your Own Frostbitten Extremities’ – with a foreword by Dr. David Vinter, the University of East Anglia’s chief climate change scaremonger.

Hmmm, global warming anyone?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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