In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A real ale brewed in Staffordshire has been banned from the House of Conmans bar due an asinine and prudish complaint that its pump plate featured a tasty bit of totty wielding a tray of booze while clad in nought else but a provocative bikini.
Topless Totty Blonde Beer, brewed by the Stafford-based Handcrafted Porno Ales, and advertised as ‘stunningly seductive – a voluptuous variety of hops with a fruity fresh finish’ - has been sold as one of the selection of guest ales in the Westminster watering hole Wankers’ Bar for five years before attracting this singular instance of disapprobation.
New Labour’s shadow equalities minister, Kate Green, the dour-faced Scots-born and bred MP for Greater Manchester’s Stenchford and Wormston constituency, claimed she was left ‘lecherously disturbed’ and her latent closet lesbian urges aroused after viewing the ale’s label and demanded bar staff remove it from sale immediately – if not sooner.
Conversely Stafford MP Jeremy Lefroy, who was responsible for organising the beer to be sold at the bar back in 2007, opined to press hacks “Here was a great opportunity to showcase this fabulous, award-winning ale. Really, what is this woman’s problem? I thought she was one of Ed Millipede’s New Labour front bench harpies – not a pitbull member of the neo-fascist ‘Do As I Say’ Party.”
UKIP’s MEP representing Stafford, Mick Ratsass, branded Ms Green ‘a humourless sort with the personality of a chemotherapy clinic’. “This woman’s the type of sullen prig who only has sex with the lights out and while wearing a body stocking. Last year she registered a complaint with Ofcom over a BBC Children’s Hour programme - erroneously claiming that Muffin the Mule was a sexual offence.”
Genghis McScrote, the Lib-Dum MP for East Smegmadale, got closer to the truth by referring to Green as “a sanctimonious cunt in cunt’s clothing – little wonder Ricky Mabb got shut of her.”
“This sort of knee-jerk Puritanical pomposity does more to damage the cause of equality than 1,000 beer labels and to me suggests that to be in favour of equality you must be a dour-faced, insult-searching misery. For Christ’s sake, it’s like having that pedagogic killjoy Oliver Cromwell back in Parliament.”
Jacko McSkanger, the People’s Pikey Party MP for the electorate-devoid Dale Farm constituency in Essex, spit the proverbial dummy on siding up to the Wanker’s Bar and being informed his favourite tipple - Topless Titty – had been ordered removed – yet another hapless victim of ‘political correctness’ lunacy.
“Some fucker’s got ter be jokin’. That woz a spiffin’ blonde beer, full-bodied wiv a voluptuous aroma – just like a lap-dancer’s crotch. Obviously Ms Green’s another menopausal maniac wot would serve her country better by stayin’ in the kitchen. Believe me, a bloke would have ter bear a grudge against sex fer wantin’ ter shag that bitch – especially when he could have a tug instead. I wonder wot her reaction would be if they had ‘The Dog’s Bollocks’ ale on tap here?”
Meanwhile on the ‘utter hypocrisy’ front and yet again guilty of opening mouth before engaging what passes for a brain in her pointy, bubble head, the piranha-jawed Sally Bercow – (the notorious vulgarian slapper wed to Parliament’s smarmy midget of a bumptious Commons Speaker) - who last year infamously posed in just a jism-smeared bed sheet bearing the Bercow coat of arms – Exolve Me Claram - for a Renta-Slut magazine photo shoot – spoke to press hacks as she was leaving Harley Street’s prestigious Dr Achmed’s Clap Clinic - and by way of distracting attention from her congenital diseases of Venus condition - vented her ‘blonde moment’ anger at the beer.
In customary gobshite fashion Syphilitic Sally stated for the public record ''I cannot believe that there's a beer called Topless Totty on sale in the Commons! Outrageous - does my little Mr B’ know?''
Thought for the day: In a display of typical duplicity, the ultra-socialist Trotskyite Ms. Green made no complaint about the tax-payer subsidy granted to MPs to drink in the Wanker’s Bar at heavily reduced prices.
So Britain’s broken and probably can’t be fixed – and while the economy of our once-sceptred isle goes down the drain, our pathetic politicians have a squabble over an inoffensive ale pump decal. The mind boggles at their pettiness.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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