Friday, 17 February 2012

UK’s Dept for Transport Goes Ga-Ga

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what has got to constitute the most stupid suggestion to be put before Parliament since the last stupid suggestion, MPs have been urged to consider an insane French scheme that permits cyclists to legally speed through traffic lights on red - wait for it - in an attempt to keep them ‘safe’.

Safe – WTF - Russian roulette with bicycles versus cars and trucks? Really, who the fuck does officialdom have thinking up these snafu schemes - Wiley T. Coyote or Wallace and Gromit? The think tank at Camberwick Green? Fraggle Rock’s Institute for Advanced Guesswork?

According to the House of Conmans Hansard record, a numpty Aussie peer going by the name of Baroness ‘Trixie’ Gardner of Parkes – dental advisor to the Lords Halitosis Society, no less - urged MPs to consider a pilot scheme which has just been approved in Paris by France’s midget President, Nicolas Sarkozy.

The dingbat Tory peer suggested more women were killed than men by moronic lorry drivers turning left at road junctions due the fact they wait at the red lights - whereas testosterone-fuelled blokes go pedalling full steam through them – and are obviously immune to the negative collision effects of traffic coming across the ‘green lights’ at 90 degrees to their ‘all forward and trust in the Lord’ straight ahead route.

After receiving the nod from their dwarf leader, councillors in Paris this week agreed to allow cyclists to turn left or right or go straight ahead at T-junctions, no matter what colour the lights were – green, amber or red for ‘danger’ - in a pilot scheme designed to compare how many get maimed or killed by playing ‘dodgems’ with the opposing traffic flow.

UK Transport Minister, Lord John ‘call me Earl’ Attlee, another dog wanker like grandfather Clement, with his finger nowhere near the pulse of what’s going on in the highways safety department, admitted to press hacks that he’d never heard of the pilot scheme.

Atlee went on to state that while the DfT were aware of the hypothesis that more women were killed or seriously injured on bikes than men, accident figures were mercifully low - but unfortunately increasing due the ‘couldn’t give a flying fuck’ attitude of white van drivers and the convoys of left-hand steer pantechnicons swamping the UK’s roads with some stoned Turkish twat in a fez behind the wheel.

“We did mull over extending the width of pavements and creating a nation-wide system of cycle lanes that ran parallel with the pedestrian footpaths – and thus insular from the roads – whereby cyclists would be tasked with obeying the pedestrian crossing system lights and thus guarantee safety – as long as they played by the rules.”
“However that scheme got ditched under the Tories austerity measures back in 2010 as likely to cost too much – especially when the numbers of cyclists getting side-swiped on a daily basis was keeping the NHS in work – and boosting the undertaking industry’s income.”

"Further, it's difficult to formulate policy or to make effective regulations when the cyclists simply toss horn-honking motorists a digitus impudicus and peddle on regardless.”

Thought for the day: Anyone considered the logical, common sense approach - getting cyclists to obey the Highway Code – and educate moronic truck drivers to look in their oversized wing mirrors before taking a hard left and squashing hapless cyclists under their rear wheels?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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