Saturday, 18 February 2012

Government to Blame for Binge Drinking

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition Prime Minister, Posh Dave Scameron, is set to call for Broken Britain’s bars, supermarkets and the booze industry in general to make a greater contribution towards fostering a culture of ‘responsible drinking’ – if such a term doesn’t automatically qualify for the label of ‘oxymoronic’.

During a photo-op’ visit to a mortuary in north-east England, Scameron swore on the deceased body of a frost-bitten homeless alkie known only as ‘Jed’ to tackle the scandal of drunkenness and alcohol abuse that is purported to be costing the National Ill-Health Service an excess of £2.7 zillion quid per annum.
This he intends to implement by setting up chains of US-style drunk tanks to incarcerate piss-head scallies and other assorted boozed-up gobshites overnight while they sleep off the effects of their indulgences, prevented from vandalising their local township’s geranium planters and hanging baskets – and beating the shit out of officious PCSO’s and Community Support Officers and any other power-mad uniform fetishists who attempt to censure their anti-social misbehaviour.

“You know, nobody likes a pint or two of Topless Totty real beer in Westminster’s Dog Wankers Bar after a hard day debating in the House of Conmans more than I do – but we chaps don’t get into binge drinking mode and overdo it and go off half-cocked and start vandalising the 99% Occupy tents outside St Pauls once we’ve supped a few jars – mainly due the fact we have a chauffeured limo’ standing by to take us home.”
“What I want to see is a reduction at brewery level in the ABV rate – down to a sensible 2% – not like the 7% of these Bitch Thumper and Old Headbanger lagers and that dreadful Scally Alley Asbo Ale – and the other Meths Breezer drinks these Neds and NEETs drink by the gallon with Red Bull chasers.”

“Moreover we want a legislated bottom line price on alcohol so youngsters and the gamut of other Bolshie peasants and anarchist types can’t afford to go on 24/7 benders and get pissed out of their tiny brains - then start writing anti-government graffiti on the Town Hall fence – and the bloody Internet’s social network pages – like Twatter and Facbook.”
“If we have the minimum pricing set at £10 quid a pint then these trouble-makers would need to be on the equivalent of an MP’s salary to be able to afford to get shit-faced – and that’s never going to happen while I’m in Downing Street.”

However, from a contradictory point of view, Jacko McSkanger, a time-served barrack room lawyer and founder of the Kunt-Watch government abuse watchdog charity – plus being a credible expert with impeccable credentials where alcoholism is concerned (hic) - opined to one press hack from the Bullshit Gazette that “Cabbage Patch Dave’s more full of crap than a Christmas goose.”

“Really, wot the fuck do the Tories expect the proletariat ter do wiv themselves an’ still retain some effin’ modicum of sanity? Of course they go down the boozer an’ get pissed outa their bored an’ depressed skulls cos life’s a pile of shite.”

“This pathetic excuse of a coalition government - wot no fucker or their dog voted for an’ yet nevertheless we get landed wiv - they rabbit on about a so-called recession wot’s caused the economic collapse an’ all this unemployment an’ budgets cuts an’ austerity measures. But let’s get the effin’ facts right – it’s a flat-out Depression wiv a big capital D - an’ it’s gonna get a lot fuckin’ worse before it gets any better – if ever – cos it’s doubtful if any part of it’s salvageable even if we tell the corruption-ridden EUSSR ter stick it an’ cut loose from Brussels domination.”

“So in all reality – an’ forget the Jobcentre quango numbers – yer have nigh on seven million people unemployed or workin’ bare minimum part-time hours - an’ this lot’s lookin’ fer full-time jobs wot don’t exist – so they say bollocks ter it an’ go fer a few pints or grab a bottle of first malt Meths from B & Q or Halford’s Finest anti-freeze an’ get plastered wonderin’ how Britain got so broke an’ more fucked up than a soup sandwich when we had an effin’ Empire the sun never set on - an’ furthermore we woz the blokes an’ engineers wot kick started the Industrial Revolution.”

“Now these people’s livin’ on canal banks an’ landfill sites an’ drawin’ next ter sweet eff all in welfare benefits - wiv no hope of mendin’ Broken Britain in sight while we have this fuck-up of a Libservative Coalition government in office – an’ even less chance if New Labour make a comeback under Ed Millipede. So self-esteem an’ confidence have gone outa the window – thus wot else is there ter do but go out an’ get as pissed as a rat.”

“This is wot the government wants anyway - the creation an’ maintenance of a dysfunctional society. That’s why they’re makin’ a total fuck of the National Health Service. Believe it, the wholesale disruption of British society’s on the agenda. Just listen ter Scameron’s rhetoric versus reality twaddle about multi-culturalism an’ his Big Society wot’s diametrically opposed ter the good of the country."
"He’s pushin’ this New World Order agenda wot’s out ter devastate the four pillars of our human identity - Race, Religion, Family an’ Nation – an’ the unemployment an’ local government budget cuts an’ binge drinkin’ problems is bein’ generated purposely an’ wiv malice aforethought cos this is wot the effin’ government want ter create – a dysfunctional society – then impose the full Monty of their Kafkaesque Big Brother panopticon state.”

“So yer don’t need the facilities of subjunctive retrospect an’ 20/20 hindsight ter recognise the general mood in our once sceptred isle is on the downbeat side as we reach a state of neo-serfdom where the unemployed will be forced – en mass - inter unpaid ‘volunteer’ work – hence my advice is go on an’ have a few bevies an’ get pissed cos it sure as fuck beats suicide an’ snuffin yerself.”

Meanwhile, on the bonkers fringe we have Prince Chazzer, the Plant Whisperer, coming up with his own Baldwinesque cunning 'Jobs 4 Yobs' scheme to get the nation’s youth off their arses and into work.

Speaking to one reporter from the Pantomime Gazette yesterday, Chazzer, accompanied by his chain-smoking troll of a wife Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole, spoke of the importance of investing in the future, as he launched a Prince's Trust initiative to recruit 300 young people to be ‘Job Ambassadors’ for the record high of 1:4 zillion (22.2%) of 16 to 24-year-olds who’ve never had a job and probably know what one was if it fell on them – and, chances are, probably don’t want one.

Hmmm, a Spartanesque force of a somewhat significant 300 teenage Job Ambassadors – diplomats to the unemployed - why does that bear the Orwellian ring of snitches and grassers?

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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