Red Ken Disses Tory Poofters

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Conservative MPs, their sensibilities outraged, are crying “Foul!” and have called upon New Labour's London Mayoral candidate to apologise for having the cheek to broach the scandalous truth by daring to suggest their party is riddled with homosexuals of the male and female – and transgender cross-dressing varieties.

Apparently Ken ‘Bagpuss’ Livingroom, doing what he does best – opening mouth before engaging brain - stated for the public record that Tory MPs are a bunch of hypocrites who denounce homosexuality while secretly indulging in clandestine rug-munching and fudging sessions – and PM Maggie Thatcher was a clinically-insane bisexual dyke who used to roger Denis with a nine inch ‘Iron Lady’ strapon dildo.

In response, a legion of Tory MPs have written to the New Labour leader Ed Millipede demanding he ensures his snarly little pitbull’s politically incorrect homophobic remarks are retracted immediately – if not sooner – or else they’d send round a gang of heavies to stamp on Livingroom’s menagerie of Western Dwarf Clawed Frogs – and nail his prize newt to the front door.

Discussing the issue of privacy during an interview with a press hack from the Poof Bashers Review, Livingroom opined that "The public should be allowed to know everything, except the nature of private relationships - unless there exists a case of blatant hypocrisy – like all these Tory MPs denouncing homosexuality while they’re a bunch of raving bumboys themselves.”

Questioned why he referred particularly to Conservative MPs, Red Ken clarified "Well, all the Labour poofters are out of the closet. As soon as Tony Bliar got into Downing Street in 1997, if one outed themselves as lesbian or gay – or just a regular perv’ they immediately copped for a top job – including that kiddie fiddling Scots twat Gordon.”
“Plus Tony wasn’t adverse to a spot of cottaging himself with his mate Pete Scandalson – the pair of them hanging around the public bogs in Hyde Park or down at Doggers Wood on the chance of a bit of sport. Mind you, married to Cherie, who could blame him?”

Responding to Tory umbrage, Livingroom’s spokeswoman, Ms Mingeeter Godermiche, clarified for the media that “Ken’s remarks weren’t homophobic – he was simply pointing out the fact that having gay people represent most political parties is a good thing – and in his opinion all the Tory closet cases need to shake off their inhibitions.”

“Was ‘riddled’ too strong a word to use? Perhaps, but let’s be honest, the Tory Party elitist hierarchy is comprised of a cabal of public school Freemasons – and we all know what they get up to during their men-only behind closed doors bonding sessions – and then of course we have the raving pederast contingents of the civil service and Parliament that were uncovered during Operation Ore.”

Speaking later at Waterstones in Piccadilly during the launch of his new book – ‘How to Win Friends & Influence People’ – Red Ken declared “Just wait until the May election and we get shut of Bonkers Boris de Piffle Nonsense and I’m Mayor of London again – all the Borisites will be out on their arses – along with his Boris Bikes as well. That’s the first job on the agenda - then we’ll get my bendy buses back on the road and wipe out the lunatic cyclist fringe.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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