Arrests Scandal at Pork Barrel Placements

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, if it wasn’t for scandals and bad luck then perhaps Cabbage Patch Dave and this fatally-flawed, hapless Libservative Coalition (that no fucker or their dog ever voted for) wouldn’t have any.

The gospel according to a report leaked by whistle-blowers to the Snitch & Grassers Gazette reveals that Scameron’s ‘Back to Work’ tsar, the owner of the Pork-Barrel Placements employment agency, Emma ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Harrison CBE – is under investigation for her rumoured involvement in the systemic abuse of taxpayer-funded contracts – which comes in the wake of Mr Plod arresting four of her staff on charges of fraud.

The Fraud Squad raids on the company’s offices came after the Department for Work and Pensions informed the Daily Shitraker it had launched no fewer than nine fraud investigations into the firm over recent years for what they termed ‘incidences of creative accounting’ – with government ministers going into headless chicken hysteria and panic mode last night in a desperate bid to distance themselves from the 48-year-old lard-arsed Harrison – appointed by Posh Dave in 2010 as his personal ‘Family Champion’ on the strength of her absurd boast she could get 120,000 problem families back into work.

Earlier this month the Ripoffs Review revealed that the pudgy Harrison had paid herself an obscene dividend of £8.6 million quid last year after Pork-Barrel Placements billed the government for £180 million despite the dodgy company’s failure to meet the Government’s stipulated targets on sourcing jobs for the unemployed.

Fraud Squad plods carried out dawn raids on the homes of Pork-Barrel Placements staff, with two men and two women questioned on suspicion of cheating taxpayers.
The revelations arising from these arrests marks a major escalation in the crisis over Harrison’s Pork-Barrel Placements which is paid by the Government to help the long-term unemployed find jobs - and prompted fresh calls for the suspension of its contracts since former disgruntled employees turned whistle-blowers snitched the fact that they were ordered by Harrison’s draconian management regime Oberstfuhrers to sign blank timesheets for job hunters on their books even if they’d only been in part-time employment for a day.

Pork-Barrel Placements advisors claim they were placed under relentless pressure to declare they had found the unemployed jobs even if that were not the case as they filled out forms declaring a ‘job outcome’ – and paid £50 bounties each time they placed someone in work – even on paper – with the company receiving £1,900 quid per head in success fees from the Government.

Opposition MPs claim that Harrison’s company, which generates the vast majority of its £180 million turnover from the public purse, had missed many of its targets for putting the long-term jobless into work – with the fraud allegations focusing on the fact of taxpayers’ money being claimed for finding unemployed people a job, even if it was only sweeping up the leaves around the Pork-Barrel Placements agency office car park for a couple of hours.

After Fraud Squad detectives raided the company’s offices at Swindler’s Cross in Smegmashire, Harrison played down ‘the visit’ as little more than a ‘chat over tea and biscuits’ to discuss the fraud probe – with no mention made of the dawn arrests nor the seizing of company records, job placement files and computers until so reported by the Snitch & Grassers Gazette.

Downing Street spokesperson Scabby Bertin today informed gutter press hacks that Harrison’s firm would still be eligible to pitch for contracts to source training placements for jobless youngsters under a scheme launched this week by Deputy PM Mick Clogg.
“Unfortunately and against all common sense and logic, it’s an open tender process - hence under stupid Brussels’ EUSSR equal opportunities statutes even convicted criminals and con’ artists like Mrs ‘Three Chins’ Harrison and her Pork-Barrel Placements agency can bid for the contract and perhaps be in line for a share of the £126 million quid’s worth of payment-by-results contracts being floated to get 50,000 16 and 17-year-olds signed up to Clogg’s silly ‘Jobs 4 Yobs’ scheme."

Conversely and in their own desperate defence, Pork-Barrel Placements has strenuously rejected the whistleblower’s claims that the arrested staff members were simply scapegoats and the real guilty parties were senior managers – with Morton Scrunt, the firm’s CEO, informing the media “Pork Barrel has a zero tolerance policy towards whistle-blowing twats, and any instance of snitching or other stoolie activity is completely unacceptable. We take our job placements very seriously, and are committed to using taxpayers’ money effectively - that’s why Ms Harrison paid herself an £8,500,000 quid dividend as a performance bonus last year.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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