Huhne the Loon Set for Porridge Diet

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

What is it with these disingenuous scumbag politicians throughout history and too, the world over, that they simply can’t hold up their hands in a gesture of supplicant surrender and admit “Hey, I fucked up – whoops, sorry and all that good shit – now let’s get over it”?
An elitist character fault, perhaps – that if the lie is maintained and repeated often enough then it will manifest a cloak of credibility and become as truth – but not in the case of the Lib-Dum’s now-ex Energy Minister, Chris ‘Wind Farms’ Huhne.

Dominic Grieve, the UK’s Attorney General, and Keir Stammerer, the tongue-tied Director of Public Prosecutions, have decided to risk a joint pact of career suicide by sticking their proverbial necks out in targeting Westminster’s political hierarchy for their sins.

To wit, the dynamic duo consider it is in the public interest – and a fitting basis for a Royal Jubilee year scandal-mongering media feeding frenzy banquet of Lucullan proportions - to pursue a case against Mr Huhne for perverting the course of justice through cajoling his ex-wife Vicky Pryce into admitting it was herself behind the wheel of a car tear-arsing down the M11 from Stansted Airport at quantum speeds and breaking the sound barrier on March 12th 2003 – hence had her driving license endorsed with penalty points in place of her erring husband’s – and thus enabled him to avoid incurring an outright ban.

This slap in the face by irony and righteous karma has resulted in Huhne’s fitting resignation from his Downing Street Cabinet post, although he will continue, up to the court appearance date of the 16th February, to represent his Parliamentary constituency of East Fibbers – and perhaps onwards from a cosy cell at HMP Gotcha – which he might just end up sharing with Pryce due prison overcrowding conditions as she too has copped for the same charge – perverting the course of justice - via the route of conspiracy when grassing up her erring cock-happy spouse in revenge for leaving her and the kids and taking off with a younger bit of skirt on the grounds she was a three-holer who had no objection to suck and swallow gamarouche.

Oh well, hell hath no fury, as the proverb goes – even if it does involve her own self-immolation – incarceration anyway – once she read a copy of Payback for Dummies then committed to this ruthless act of felo-de-se by having her affidavit affirmed in the presence of three magistrates and a bishop – and sworn on the body of a dead heron.

Huhne, the type of bloke who prompts people to count their fingers after shaking hands with him, appeared outside the House of Conmans with a face like a well spanked arse where, cornered by gutter press hacks, revealed he had resigned as the coalition's energy and climate change propaganda secretary to mount ‘a robust defence' (concoct even more lies) to counter the charges levelled against him.

Hmmm what kind of a ‘robust defence’ is possible against the sworn testimony of your own vengeance-bent estranged wife after she grassed you up to the Plods?

With fiery defiance, Huhne, high in oath, declared his virtue and the flawed decision by the CPS lackeys as deeply regrettable, maintaining "I am innocent of these charges and intend to fight this in the courts - confident in the knowledge that a jury comprised of twelve of my fellow Lib-Dum party members and Freemason pals will agree and find me innocent – and that rotten bitch Vicky guilty of bearing false witness and perjury.”

Ouch, this elitist fraternity of politicians and their absurd sense of entitlement, all vaunted as Brahmin intellectuals bestowed with more degrees than a Fahrenheit thermometer, yet aren’t too smart when it comes down to common sense and the old thinking for themselves game.
While there is no such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist, and all too frequently displayed, ‘conventional political stupidity’.

Here we have our man Huhne, obviously - when one studies past form and his twice failed Lib-Dum Party leadership challenge - a sanctimonious clot possessed by ambitions far beyond the scope of his abilities (which is always a problem when ego surpasses intellect) – while being endowed with the cerebral facilities of logic and reason, prefers folly.
This was confirmed by the fact of confiding to one reporter over a few pints of Topless Tottie in Westminster’s Wanker’s Bar last week that he had witnesses ready to swear he was being wined and dined by a group of wind farm lobbyists at the time his car was clocked for speeding on the M11 – and that it actually was the cuckolded ex-missus Vicky behind the wheel.

So, applying 20/20 hindsight and a double measure of backward planning – (the opposite of forward planning – when you prepare to dig yourself out from some really deep shit) - Huhne proves there are no safeguards against human nature and that he really is a man with profound learning difficulties if for one moment deluding himself he can perjure his pathetic arse out of this pea soup imbroglio. The entire fiasco is going to end up like Groundhog Day: in a jail cell – and without the happy ending.

While the incumbent Business Minister Candida Ffitch-Gargoyle, a former IPCC member and pro-global warming alarmist, is set to replace Huhne as energy secretary, Lib-Dum leader Mick Clogg informed the media he hoped Huhne might return to government after he’d paid his debt to society – and perhaps put his experience to good use as Minister for Prisons.

PM Posh Dave Scameron, cornered by the media, commented "Like Deputy PM Clogg I hope Chris gets off with a lenient sentence or a Community Service Order but this prosecution has to go ahead. Really, we can’t have the stupid public labouring under the impression that crimes by MPs and cabinet ministers and other titled elitists have to be swept under the rug every time due the fact prosecuting them would destabilise the entire political and monarchical system.”

“Besides, don’t we have enough lying sods and criminals in the government already, fiddling their expenses and pushing the agendas of the EUSSR and the IMF? Plus it builds up voters’ confidence that justice, along with the democratic process, are working if the odd MP cops for a stint behind bars. It’s a pity that the Royal Bank of Scumland’s ex-boss Fred Goodwin isn’t joining him.”

Huhne, the third cabinet minister to resign in disgrace since the fatally-flawed Libservative Coalition was formed in May 2010, is entitled to a ministerial severance payment of £17,207. Asked by press hacks whether he would be taking it, PM Scameron’s spokeswoman, Ms Scabby Bertin, replied "That's a matter for Mr Huhne to decide – but it will come in handy for paying his court costs, legal fees and fines – plus buying some baccy and Sudoku books for his stay in prison."

Grinning like a Cheshire Cat and looking only too pleased with herself following the CPS decision to prosecute Huhne - and too his announced resignation - Vicky Pryce answered press hacks questions of “Does your ex’ like porridge?” with the rejoinder of “Be good for the smarmy twat to take up residence in one of Her Majesty’s sodomite paradises. He was always trying to stick his willy up my arse – now he’ll find out what it feels like to be on the receiving end of six inches of cock. ”

Have you conceded to any driving offences for Chris Huhne and had your license endorsed in his place? Are you a member of the same Masonic lodge? Do you have a copy of The Boy’s Book of Secret Handshakes? Will you be appearing in court as a defence witness? Did you see Chris at the wind farm lobbyist promo in March 2003?

Send your comments using the online reply form below – including your e-mail and postal addresses, plus your landline and mobile phone numbers – and your bank account details (complete with cash card PIN) - and you too could be in line to receive a genuine Crown Prosecution Service subpoena signed by Dominic Grieve QC.

Thought for the day: How can you tell when Chris Huhne’s lying? His lips move.
Common opinion is in agreement that if Huhne dropped dead there would be no need to dig a grave due the fact he’s so bent the undertaker could simply wind him into the cemetery sod like a corkscrew.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.